Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?



the suspicious wife sneered.





No, I cant. the husband replied. I distinctly remember



taking my shirt off.

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.

The clerk behind the counter said, Oh, yes sir, they do have an ex category, but theyre in Sporting Goods.



Really?



Yes sir. Theyre called darts.

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.



AMERICAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.



FRENCH CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You go on strike because you want three cows.



JAPANESE CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.



A GERMAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION



You have two cows, but you dont know where they are… You break for lunch.



A RUSSIAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You count them and learn you have five cows.



You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.



You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.



You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



A SWISS CORPORATION



You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.



CHINESE CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You have 300 people milking them.



You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.



A BRITISH CORPORATION



You have two cows… both are mad.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION



You have two cows… and the one on the left is kinda cute…

In The Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was completely without substance and the darkness was

upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves,

saying… It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and

sayeth, It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,

It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that

none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, It is a

vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,

It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto

them, It promotes growth and is very powerful.

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,

This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of

this Company, and in these areas in particular.

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good,

and the Plan became Policy. This Is

How Shit Happens.

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? Im tired of being just friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. Its easier for me to douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please dont throw that old T-shirt away.

The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.

5. This diamond is just way too big.

4. I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.

2. Does this make my butt look too small??

1. Im wrong, you must be right again..

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? The guy says, No, what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole! says the bartender. Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replies the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now? Now what? asks the patron. Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.

Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replies the patron. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, Theyre bells. Saint Peter said he may pass through the pearly gates.The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what do those symbolize?The man replied………….Theyre Carols.

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of
a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.

How does it work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by
members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.

Whats wrong with my friends?
If youre like most people, youre probably receiving Friendship
Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based
on where youve lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly
duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet
national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate,
outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your
friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who
Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.

How do I know these arent just a bunch of losers who cant make
friends on their own?
Many of todays most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a
cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to
focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the
paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of
traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship
Providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.
What if I need a special friend, say for poker or fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship
Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of
knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to
refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network
should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent
training.

Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(tm) network?
Can my Best Friend ever refer me to them?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

Whats that?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend
out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is
Caring(tm) for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find
yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all
appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency
Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us
within two business days.

What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying,
moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your
back.

Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the plan?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess
of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
Managed Caring(tm) ID card to arrange for precertification of the
proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for
coverage within 24 business hours.

But who decides whats appropriate for me?
We do. Isnt that what friends are for?

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that wont last out the year.

– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

But what … is it good for?

– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

640K ought to be enough for anybody.

– Bill Gates, 1981

This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.

– Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

– David Sarnoffs associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a C, the idea must be feasible.

– A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smiths paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

– H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

Im just glad itll be Clark Gable whos falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.

– Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind.

A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.

– Response to Debbi Fields idea of starting Mrs. Fields Cookies.

We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

– Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.

– Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldnt have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you cant do this.

– Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads.

So we went to Atari and said, Hey, weve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, well come work for you. And they said, No. So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, Hey, we dont need you. You havent got through college yet.

– Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniaks personal computer.

Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.

– 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddards revolutionary rocket work.

You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It cant be done. Its just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.

– Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? Youre crazy.

– Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.

– Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

– Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Louis Pasteurs theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

– Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.

– Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

Seen on Murphy Browns door recently: I got free checking at BCCI.