Their army!

If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

The real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?

The secretarys reply, My lawyer!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish Its a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!



Overview: I had to take my sons hamster to the vet. Heres what happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. Hes just lying there looking sick, he told me, Im serious, Dad. Can you help?



I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)



Honey, I called, come look at the hamster! Oh, my gosh, my wife diagnosed after a minute. Shes having babies. What? My son demanded.



But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!



I was equally outraged. Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didnt want them to reproduce! I accused my wife. Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?! She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)



No, but you were supposed to get two boys! I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). Yeah, Bert and Ernie! My son agreed. Well, its just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know, she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. Were about to witness the miracle of birth.



OH, Gross! They shrieked.



Well, isnt THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies? My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Dont you?)



We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. We dont appear to be making much progress, I noted.



Its breech, my wife whispered, horrified. Do something, Dad! My son urged. Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.



Should I call 911? My eldest daughter wanted to know, Maybe they could talk us through the trauma. (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)



Lets get Ernie to the vet, I said grimly.



We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe, he urged.



I dont think hamsters do Lamaze, his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a c-section? I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.



Oh, very interesting, he murmured. Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment? I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.



Is Ernie going to be okay? My wife asked. Oh, perfectly, the vet assured us.



This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isnt EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.



What?



You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um …. er … masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back. He blushed, glancing at my wife. Well, you know what Im saying, Mr. Cameron.



We were silent, absorbing this.



So Ernies just … just … excited?! My wife offered.



Exactly, the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!



Whats so funny? I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.



Its just … that … Im picturing you pulling on its … its teeny little … she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.



Thats enough, I warned.



We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.



I know Ernies really thankful for what youve done, Dad, he told me.



Oh, you have NO idea, my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.



Enough said.

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

If I wasnt under oath, Id return the compliment, replied the witness.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says, Just say NO to crack! and it reminds you to pull up your pants!

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be



administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using s instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard c could be replaced by k sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome ph would henseforth be written f. This would make words like fotograf twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing th by z. Perhaps zen ze funktion of w kould be taken on by v, vitsh is, after al, half a w. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary o kould be dropd from vords kontaining ou. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

A hunter walked into a pub where some of the regulars were talking about their most painful experiences. They saw him come in and asked him what his was. he answered.

Once i had just got a dear down and i had to shit. so i went over to a tree pulled down my pants and leaned over. My balls were hanging down and trigered a trap and i bolted.



Wow that was the worst. they said.



No that was only the second the first was when the chain ran out.

In restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: Rome wasnt built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor.

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: Caution: Nuts crossing road.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible
fight. I am the most beautiful person in the world, proclaimed
Sleeping Beauty.

No, youre not, answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

I am the smallest person in the world, shouted Tom Thumb.

No, youre not, said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

Ive had more lovers than any person in the world, announced Don
Juan.

No, you havent replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to
his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a
time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming. I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said
so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, Who the hell
is Bill Clinton