Old and New Jokes

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN

Show up naked ….. and bring beer.

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isnt right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other hell give them both three wishes. The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet. The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again — poof — all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself. It is time for the bears final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesnt waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female. Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, I wish that that bear is gay.

Element:MAN
Symbol:Xy
Common Name(s):Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight:180 +/- 100
Physical Properties:Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties:Attempts to bond with Wo (element Woman) any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage:None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution:In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on well perspire, as we dream by the fire.
Hes makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel … Barneys the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
Youll go down in Listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
Youll tell Carol, Be a skunk, I require
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. AS the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavey drink. Is something wrong?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, I got home today and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

Wow, exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This ones on the house. As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, So what did you do?

I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye, and told her ethat we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.

That makes sense, said the bartender, but what about your best friend?

I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said, Bad dog!

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him whats wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, Im in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.

Whats wrong with that? asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, You dont understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love … At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. I dont understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, I forgot where I live.

Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

41. Stare at the persons next to yours screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say You did that? loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell COVEEEEERRRRRR! peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. Oh, good. It worked this time, and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See whos online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like youve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out youre a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend its the computer and look really lost.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

Yes, I sure did, responded the pessimist. He cant swim.

The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.

Pop, he drawled, Ahm jest not sure Ah know what tdo.

Its simple, said his father.

Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses.

Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.