Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:

If this car was a woman, shed get pinched in the butt.

Underneath which a graffiti read:

If this woman was a car, shed run you over.

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says, Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!

The reporter figured he cant write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, Well, one time my neighbors wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbors wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldnt write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said –

Well, one time I was lost …

Weve all been interviewed for jobs. And, weve all spent
most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Dont
bite your nails. Dont fidget. Dont interrupt. Dont belch.
If we did any of the donts, we knew wed disqualify
ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light
years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of
100 major American corporations and asked for stories of
unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. … stretched out on the floor to fill out the job
application.
2. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and
the music at the same time.
3. A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to
office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
4. … asked to see interviewers resume to see if the
personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
5. … announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office –
wiping the ketchup on her sleeve
6. Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his
forearm.
7. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on
answering specific interview questions.
8. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and
started tap dancing around my office.
9 . At the end of the interview, while I stood there
dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed
his hair, and left.
10. … pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash
picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who
interviewed him.
11. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too
much.
12. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant
took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos
only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
13. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from th

Howard Deans wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied Read my lips. No more Bush

You might be a redneck if…
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

1. Each fencer shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one sword and the proper protective gear.
2. Play on the strip must be approved by the owner of the target.
3. Unlike conventional fencing, the object is to impale the target.
4. For most effective play, the sword should have a firm, but not sharp, blade.The owner of the target is permitted to check the blade and protective equipment before play begins.
5. Target owners reserve the right to restrict blade length to avoid damage to the target.
6. The object of the game is to lunge, recover, lunge, recover until the target owner is satisfied that enough touches have been scored. Failure to do so may result in a black card and being banned from the strip.
7. It is considered bad form to begin fencing immediately upon arrival at the strip.It is important to engage in certain exercise before fencing.The experienced fencer will check out the entire strip, paying close attention to any elevations present.
8. Fencers are cautioned not to mention other strips they have or are currently fencing on to the strip owner.Broken blades and dented guards may result from angered strip owners.
9. It is very important for fencers to bring the proper protective gear, just in case.
10. Fencers should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled, particularly when fencing on a new strip for the first time. Previous fencers have been known to become irate if they discover someone else fencing on what they consider to be a private strip.
11. Fencers should not assume that all targets are eligible at all times.Some fencers may be embarrassed if they find the strip to be temporarily under repair.More advanced fencers will find alternative moves.
12. Fencers are advised to obtain strip owners permission before lunging for the more advanced targets.
13. Slow fencing is encouraged; however, fencers should be prepared to fence at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the strip owners request.
14. Fencers are reminded that foil and epee fencers may only use the tip of the blades, whereas sabre fencers are encouraged to use the whole length.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to fence on the strip several times times in one meet.
16. The strip owner will be the soul judge of who is the best fencer.

• Fencers are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given strip. Additional assessments may be levied by the strip owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many fencers prefer to continue to fence on several different strips.

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each others company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peters manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, Surely you cant be ready for more already?
Sharon replies, No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor what did you do on Earth?

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, you may go in.

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her you may go in.

St. Peter asked the third man, what did you do? The man hung his head and replied, I ran a large HMO. To which St. Peter replied, you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.