If you receive an email entitled Crazy Times delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
3) It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.
4) It will re-calibrate your refrigerators coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
5) It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-laws number.
6) This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
7) It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
9) Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
10) It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
11) It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
12) It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
13) It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
14) If the Crazy Times message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
15) It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
16) It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
1 It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They decided to make their very own record and they plan to make it on MTV some day. After years and years of practice they called in and asked to perform. They had to prove they were good enough so the mailed the host of MTV a video. A few days later they all found out they did make it to MTV so they rehearsed plenty of times and had everything going perfect. They were going to be the greatest performers ever. After driving for about 20 hours they were tired but still planned to be great the next day. They arrived on the set of MTV to perform. The blonde was suppose to be in charge of the drumrole when the host said to do so. He said,Ladies and gentlemen, listen up for the new pop stars of 2002. Then opened an envelope and said Could I get a drumrole please? So the blonde picked up the drum, roled it across the stage and hit the host and killed him therefor they were not excepted to perform anywhere else and were locked up for a cuople years.
lesson:if you want a career, dont kill your boss or any hosts!!!
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Yo mama so ugly she had to trick or treat on the phone.
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:
Merry Christmas to you and please dont worry. Im just fine considering that I cant breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. Ive sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope youll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so theyll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet shes never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, its time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but dont you worry about me. Im also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now dont you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is – the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
Dear Sister,
This letter was started by a woman in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and discontented females. Unlike other chain letters,this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy to 5 of your friends who are equally tired and discontented,then bundle up your husband/boyfriend.
Send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.
Do not break the chain.
One woman broke the chain and got her own bastard back.
At this writing a friend of mine has already received 184 men.
They buried her yesterday,but it took 3 undertakers 36 hours to wipe the smile off her face and 3 days to get her legs together to close the coffin.
Have faith!
Liberated woman…
This couple gets married and finally reach their honeymoon suite after a long love story. When they reached the hotel the younger bride told her older husband that she is going to go into the bathroom to freshen up a little bit and slip into something a little more sexy. She goes into the bathroom and comes back wearing this beautiful lingerie.
As soon as she tried to arouse her husband, he blows a kiss on her hand and turns around and goes to sleep !!
She thought that he may be embarrassed; so she waited till the next day.
The same thing happened the next day when he returned from work!! And continued for the rest of the week! At the end she gave up, and as soon as he returned one afternoon from work, she gave him her hand to kiss her as usual, but he replyed:
Not tonight Honey I am having a Headache!
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico. Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything theyll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isnt able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. Hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long?
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd . . . WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While hes talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As theyre leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, Thanks for the peanuts.
She says, Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off em.