I resent that remark. said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. Ill give you 5 seconds to take that back.

Oh yeah? snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. Suppose I dont take it back in five seconds?

Well … stammered the blonde, how much time do you need?

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her
for $500.00.

When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have any cash
with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it
to her, calling it RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was not worth
the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a note with a
check for $250.00 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment I was under the impression that:

It had never been occupied.
That there was plenty of heat.
That is was small.

Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasnt any heat and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how turn it on and if you dont have enough furniture to fill it, dont
blame me.

Very truly yours,

This one came from the L.A. Reader via a circuitous route
(saw it quoted in New Scientist):

U.C. Davis graduate student Anne Perkins on her study of
sexuality in sheep:

It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian
sheep because if you are a female sheep, what you do to
solicit sex is to stand still. Maybe there is a female
sheep out there really wanting another female, but theres
just no way for us to know it.

A colleague on our campus came to work this morning sporting a musical, Christmas tie given to him by his wife and daughter.

He told me that his daughter admonished him to leave at home the box the tie came in because, clearly printed on it, are the words, Squeeze my tip and hear me sing.

Of course, he had it with him when he arrived for work this morning!

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it the priest replied.The rabbi replied Oh, then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

Why did the condom fly across the road?

-It was pissed off!!

It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all
traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when,
at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.

Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped.
Stalin got up. Ill take care of this.
He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot.
He came back into the compartment and sat back down.
That should take care of it.

Two more hours passed; the train has not moved.
Khrushchev got up. Ill take care of this.
He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train,
and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the
train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down.
That should take care of it.

Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines;
the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.

Nothing more happened for about an hour.
Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.

Now. Train is moving.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sundays sermon he told them, If one more person confesses
to adultery, Ill quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word fallen
instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had
fallen. This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and
everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed
away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the
mayor. The priest was quite concerned, You have to do something about
the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You cant believe how many people
come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the
mayor and said, I dont know why youre laughing; your wife fell
three times last week!

A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldnt have to wear a bra quite as much.

She was furious and didnt speak to him for the rest of the week.

The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldnt have to wear a girdle quite as much.

Well she was furious.

Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldnt have to see your brother quite as much!!!

****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.



In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.



6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.



7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.



8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.



9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.



10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.



11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.



12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



13. Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.