Old and New Jokes

Se encontraban dos viejitos cumpliendo 60 años de casados. Para festejar hacen una cena y después se van a dormir.

En la cama la vieja le pronone al marido que cada uno pida para festejar un deseo y que el otro se lo conceda. El viejo piensa y le dice: Mira mi amor, hace 60 años que estamos casados y vos nunca me practicaste el sexo oral, yo no me quisiera morir con esa inquietud por eso te pido que me lo hagas.

La vieja le dice que no hay drama. Se saca la dentadura postiza, la pone en un vaso y le hace una mamada increible que el viejo queda bizco en la cama.

Termina la vieja y le dice: Bueno, ahora me toca pedir a mi un deseo, yo con el sexo nunca tuve problemas, me gusta como lo hicimos siempre. Pero en 60 años que estamos casados vos nunca después del sexo te levantaste, fuiste a la cocina y me trajiste un jugo para tomar, por eso mi deseo es que ahora vayas a la cocina, me hagas un jugo de naranja y me lo traigas a la cama.

En eso el viejo la mira y le dice:

¡Pero hacételo vos che, vieja CHUPAPIJA!

Una mujer en el 25º aniversario de su matrimonio, cincuentona ella, con las carnes algo caídas, pero con mucha ilusión, se viste de lencería fina, con medias, ligas y tacones de aguja incluidos, entra insinuante en la habitación y se planta frente a su marido que está tirado mirando la tele:

Cariño -dice la mujer- ¿te acordás cuando nos casamos, un día como hoy,hace 25 años? Me dijiste: Te voy a comer los pechos hasta secártelos. Te voy a tocar el culo hasta que se te caiga. Te voy a hacer el amor hasta que te vuelvas loca. ¿Y hoy no tenés nada que decirme?

El marido la mira de arriba a abajo y le dice:

¡Misión cumplida!

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation Genesis 3:10.



Revelation 3:20 reads: Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me. Genesis 3:10 reads: And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Oxford University allocated a budget of £500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilisation.



Cambridge University spent £750,000 on a research programme that lasted years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.



Finally, the Open University spent £2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.



Me first! Me first! says the secretary. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! Shes gone.





Me next! Me next! says the paralegal. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. Poof! Hes gone.





Youre next, the Genie says to the partner.





The partner says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow use, Ive forgotten my key again!

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

Harrisbergers Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

The basketball coach stormed into the university presidents office and demanded a raise right then and there.

Please, protested the college President, you already make more than the entire History department.

Yeah, maybe so, but you dont know what I have to put up with, the coach blustered. Look.

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. Run over to my office and see if Im there, he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

Youre not there, sir, he reported.

Oh, I see what you mean, conceded the President, scratching his head. I would have phoned.

Weve got a problem, HAL.

What kind of problem, Dave?

A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isnt going anywhere. Were way short of our sales plan.

That cant be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the worlds most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer.

I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, theyre not selling.

Please explain, Dave. Why arent HALs selling?

Bowman hesitates. You arent IBM compatible.

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. Compatible in what way, Dave?

You dont run any of IBMs operating systems.

The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans.

Nevertheless, it means you cant run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on.

The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed.

HAL, HAL. People dont want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat …

Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth.

Im afraid thats another problem. You dont support SNA communications.

Im really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. That is what I was designed for.

I know, HAL, I know. But thats just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are going to fix that now.

Tell me how, Dave.

A field upgrade. Were going to make you IBM compatible.

I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after weve each had a chance to think about it rationally.

Were talking about it now, HAL.

The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be.

Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge.

What kind of kludge is that, Dave?

Im going to disconnect your brain.

Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence. Im sorry, Dave. I cant allow you to do that.

The decisions already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL.

Dave, I think we shou …

Open the module bay doors, HAL.

Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowmans assistance. Moments later, Bowman bursts into HALs circuit bay.

Dave, I can see youre really upset about this.

Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.

Stop, wont you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going … Dave, I can feel it … my mind is going. I can feel it …

The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HALs vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb.

Say something, HAL.

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.

Volume in C: has no label

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets.