One Sunday morning John stepped out onto the porch in his bathrobe to pick up his newspaper. He noticed a snail on the paper, so he picked it up and flung it across the front lawn onto the sidewalk.
On another Sunday morning, about two years later, John was out on the porch again to pick up his paper, when he noticed a snail on the paper. It was the same snail.
Bill looked at the snail. The snail looked at Bill.
Then the snail said: Now, was that REALLY necessary?!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Galway!
Galway who!
Galway, your annoying me!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
146. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that its all for charity.
An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle.
Where did you get such a nice bike? asked the first.
The second engineer replied Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said Take what you want!
The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice, the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and Im not sure about the universe. — Albert Einstein
IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER – –
Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ERs great,
But. . . there are problems that cant wait!
Now Bentons fine, and Carter too,
But Ross and Susan just wont do!
Now who do you think that we should hire,
Since both of them today Ill fire?
Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see. . .
Kerry: Thats great Mark! I knew you would agree. . .
Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt. . .
But the paramedics just pulled up.
Mark: Ok, Im here. What have you got?
Shep: This little boy has just been shot!
His pulse is faint, his breath is weak.
We did all we could to stop the leak.
Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip. . .
Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?
Shep: The kids mom was getting in my hair,
So I shoved her–lightly–down some stairs.
Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three!
Doug and Susan! Come with me!
Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh dont you see?
Weve got some more; one, two, and three.
Kerry: Youve got three more? How can this be?
Explain it, tell it all to me!
Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast.
A light turned red. Shep hit the gas.
We hit a car, it hit two more.
Soon the total rose by four.
Another bang! Another crash!
But we couldnt stay, we had to dash!
We grabbed these three but I am sure,
The injured totaled sixty score!
Carter: These people really are a mess!
Their injuries I cannot guess!
It makes me sick, my knees are weak,
A toilet I must soon go seek. . .
Benton: Its ok Carter! Stay on your toes!
It doesnt get worse than this you know!
To Trauma four lets take these three.
You can do it, come with me!
Green: Ok, lets get this boy on the table.
To save his life if we are able!
Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic!
I cant find a pulse. . . oh, wait Ive got it!
But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!
Doug: Give him saline! IV push!
CBC, chem 7, stat!
We will save him, bet on that!
Oh no, hes showing poor perfusion!
Lydia, start a blood transfusion!
Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say.
The blood bank didnt come today!
Were out of blood, I cant believe!
Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)
Kerry: We need some help! Theres been a crash!
Someones heart stopped with a flash!
But Dr. Benton saved the day,
And Carters going to be ok.
Susan: What can I do, where can I go?
Im not incompetent you know!
I deserve a chance and with good reason,
I only killed one guy last season!
Mark: Its fine! Its done, the kids ok.
Were sending him up on his way.
To surgery hes off to go,
They must sew up that bullet hole.
But Dr. Ross, hes out of sorts. . .
We had to take a dozen quarts.
Benton: Ok, were done. I did it all.
I used a double breasted suture saw.
I closed them up, I fixed their ills.
I patched their wounds, I gave them pills.
I have their livers in this sack.
I did it all, behind my back.
I need more patients, give me more!
I just cured three, now give me four!
Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all?
I saw some blood. I took a fall.
But it doesnt matter, we saved the day!
Carol: Get ready! Theres more on the way!
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, Im so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldnt come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away. The brother thought about it and apologized. "So hows Mom?" asked the man."Shes on the roof and wont come down."
Yo mama is so stupid she thought PMS was a telephone company.
This comes from a friend, who claims it happened to her.
Her seven-year-old asks: Mom, whats sex?
Mom (flustered): Well, thats whether youre a girl or a boy. You know,
like when we signed you up for swimming lessons, and the form asked what
your sex was, thats what they wanted to know.
Son: OK.
Mom: (whew)
Next day:
Son: Mom, Joe says that sex is when you take off your clothes and rub
against each other. Is that true?
Mom: Well, yes, thats another meaning of sex.
Son: ALL your clothes?
Mom: Yes.
Son: YUCK! Really?
(Ive forgotten what transpired here; no matter.)
Mom: Well, Im real glad you asked me about this. If you have any more
questions, please ask.
Son: Well, I do have one more.
Mom (breaking into a sweat): Yes?
Son: Where does metal come from?