The annual Toilet Paper Report has rolled around again.
The report, from Quilted Northern tissue, says three out of five respondents prefer toilet paper be dispensed from over the top of the roll.
Also: The average American makes six trips to the bathroom a day.
The average mans visit lasts about seven minutes, vs. about eight minutes for women.
A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: Christian Horse for Sale. Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.
The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a test run.
The Pastor grabbed the reins. giddyap. The horse ignored him. no, no, counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, Praise the Lord! The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. He wont answer to Whoa, said the owner. Its Amen.
The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, Praise the Lord, and went riding into the countryside.
Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.
The Pastor cried whoa! but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed AMEN!!!!! just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.
The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, PRAISE THE LORD!
You might be a redneck if…
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate?
A: Ill have the burger and fries, please.
(from my friend, a math professor)
A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.
The husband says, I thought wed have sex tonight.
The wife replies, No, Im too tired tonight.
The husband says, Is that your final answer?
The wife says, Yes, it is, thank you.
The husband says, OK, then, Id like to phone a friend.
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesnt work with a telephone call…
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls!
How much would you pay?
Dont answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, well throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
[Theme from Indiana Jones in the background.]
Youve reached the residence of John and Tom. We cant come to the phone right now, because were cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and well get back to you.
[Theme from Indiana Jones continues until the beep.]
Q: Whats the difference between the dinosaur and a dragon…?
A: Dinosaurs are too young to SMOKE!
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought
it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
Madam, said the sales manager, the audio system in this car is
completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to
listen to, and you will hear exactly that!
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at
the radio and said, Nelson.
The radio responded, Ricky or Willie?
She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, thats what she got. If
she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying On The Road Again when
the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports
utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward
her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and
narrowly missed a collision.
Idiot! she yelled and, from the radio, Ladies and gentlemen, the
President of the United States.
Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done
In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us
Dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil
Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.
aiight
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!
Sister Catherines eyes grow wide and she barked, What did you say?! A prostitute! Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant