Old and New Jokes

Heres the last installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct, the Clintons, AIDS, Branch Davidians, etc.):

Saturday nights shows:

Robert Reichs Money World (formerly Adam Smiths Money World): Top-down income distribution programs that really work.

Ratings: S/MU, WW, ALG.

[Robert Reich is President Clintons liberal Secretary of Labor.]

Sunday Night at the Movies:

The Program: In this new version of the 1993 Disney release, a down-on-his-luck coach (James Caan) gets the best effort possible from his talented-but-cocky players in a charity badminton match to benefit pediatric AIDS. Edited for TV.

Ratings: S/MU, RPSE.

Saturday Nite Lite:

Host: Reformed comedian Andrew Nice Clay.

Skits include humorous look at rehab clinics, an adolescent Nice Clay being picked on by the school bully, Branch Davidians as victims of second-hand smoke.

Musical guest: Recovering addict Roger Clinton.

Ratings: S/MU, PCMM.

Ratings key:

S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift;

ISS: implied safe sex;

WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem;

ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt;

VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy;

PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message;

RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of Reason magazine. Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

Top ten names for Ben & Jerrys new Presidential ice cream:

10. Impeach-Mint
9. Candy Pants
8. Hyperactive Nuts
7. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
6. Pantsachio
5. Subpoena Colada
4. Horny Bubba Crunch
3. Peppermint Fattie
2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

And the #1 name for the new Presidential flavor…

1. Captain Cream

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You cant take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyers wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

Oh, that old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.

Screwed to death?
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, What are those for?

The elderly groom replied, There are two things I cant stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.

How do you kill all the mexicans in the world?

Bomb a swap meet.
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Why do all the mexicans go to a funeral?

For the free food.
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What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?

A mudslide.
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Why are black people afraid of motocycles?

Because they sound like theyre saying, Run niga niga niga, run niga niga niga…
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what do you call a bunch of white people in the middle of a larger group of black people?

A Ho-Ho.
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What do you call a bunch of white people in a yellow bus?

A twinkie.
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How do white people get away with breaking the law?

They say Sorry officer. I didnt know I couldnt do that.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, Boy, these zoos just arent what they used to be.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im still paying for it.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy – we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice it.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A: A happy pit bull.

Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?

Clinton was showing her the proper way to take dictation.

Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills,
The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard
yelling Price check on the company!

He adds, the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out
a huge stack of double-value coupons.