Old and New Jokes

The Doctor put
me on a diet of Viagra and Prune juice, but I had to give it up. I never
knew if I was coming or going!

~ Rodney Dangerfield

After the warm rain


the sweet smell of camellias.


Did you wipe your feet?


*****


Her lips near my ear,


Aunt Sadie whispers the name


of her friends disease.


*****


Today I am a man.


Tomorrow I will return


to the seventh grade.


*****


Testing the warm milk


on her wrist, she sighs softly.


But her son is forty.


*****


The sparkling blue sea


reminds me to wait an hour


after my sandwich.


*****


Lacking fins or tail


the gefilte fish swims with


great difficulty.


*****


Like a bonsai tree,


your terrible posture


at my dinner table.


*****


Beyond Valium,


the peace of knowing ones child


is an internist.


*****


Jews on safari —


map, compass, elephant gun,


hard sucking candies.


*****


The same kimono


the top geishas are wearing:


I got it at Loehmanns.


*****


The shivah visit:


so sorry about your loss.


Now back to my problems.


*****


Mom, please! There is no


need to put that dinner roll


in your pocketbook.


*****


Seven-foot Jews in


the NBA slam-dunking!


My alarm clock rings.


*****


Sorry Im not home


to take your call. At the tone


please state your bad news.


*****


Is one Nobel Prize


so much to ask from a child


after all Ive done?


*****


Today, mild shvitzing.


Tomorrow, so hot youll plotz.


Five-day forecast: feh


*****


Passover

Left the door open


for the Prophet Elijah.


Now our cat is gone.


*****


Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.


Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah


Oy! To be fluent!


*****


Quietly murmured


at Saturday services,


Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.


*****


A lovely nose ring,


excuse me while I put my


head in the oven.


****


Hard to tell under the lights.


White Yarmulke or


male-pattern baldness.

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. What happened…why are you crying?

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically… I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

A farmer went lookin 4 his goat in the jungle. In the same jungle there was this couple doing it.

The guys yells out, What a nice bush!, and the farmer hollers back, Would you mind checking if my goat is in that bush?

Hi,

I saw this yesterday evening on a condom vending machine in the mens room:

Bei Versagen bitte Kinder einschicken.

And that is in english:

In case of failure, send in children.

One day a bunette, a redhead and a blonde walked into a thrift store. They noticed a strange-looking mirror in the back of the store, and asked the shop assistant what it was.Its a magical mirror, she replied. If you look into it and say something true, it will give you your hearts desire. If you say something untrue, however, it will suck you into the mirror for eternity.The girls decided to give it s shot.The brunette stepped up. I like ice cream, she said, and walked away with $1,000,000 in cash in her bag.The redhead stepped up. I live in California, she said, and drove away in a sleek red sports car filled with spunky surfer guys.The blonde stepped up. I think… she started, and was sucked into the mirror for eternity.