Here is a sign I saw when driving into a school parking lot one day: Slow Children Playing
09
May
08
May
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most–his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, Im going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.
The physician then said, Well, since were confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didnt put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldnt afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.
The lawyer then said, Im ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.
08
May
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, isnt that your husband coming carrying all those roses?
The redhead says, yes it is. The blonde responds by saying, Oh you are so lucky. The redhead says, No Im not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart.
The blonde says, Oh my, dont you have a vase to put them in?
08
May
Two sailors and a nun are stranded on a desert island.After spending one one month on the island with the sailors the nun is so disgusted with their behaviour she commits suicide, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they bury her, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they dig her back up again.
08
May
Una pareja llega al cielo, y encuentra con un letrero en la entrada que decÃa: Hoy sólo se aceptan varones subidos en una cabra. Nota: se ingresa desnudo.
El marido tratando de ingresar a toda costa, le dice a su esposa: no creo que aquà conozcan bien a las cabras. Me montaré sobre ti y entraremos.
Asà lo hacen, y tocan en la puerta celestial. San Pedro contrariado exclama: ¿pero que es esto?
El esposo responde: pues mira, vengo montado en una cabra como dice el letrero.
San Pedro replica: Por Dios, hasta ahora veo una cabra con las tetas adelante y la chiva atrás.
08
May
Un hombre blanco de complexión diminuta entra a un elevador. Adentro está un corpulento negro. El negro dice:
Dos metros 10 centÃmetros, 160 kilos, miembro de 60 centÃmetros, testÃculo izquierdo de 1 kilo 500 gramos, testÃculo derecho de 1 kilo 250 gramos. Me llamo Dante Voltta.
El blanco cae desmayado al piso. El negro se alarma y se agacha a levantarlo. Trata de reanimarlo, lo agita y finalmente recobra la conciencia.
¿Qué te pasó?
¿Qué me dijiste cuando entré?
El negro repite:
Dos metros 10 centÃmetros, 160 kilos, miembro de 60 centÃmetros, testÃculo izquierdo de 1 kilo 500 gramos, testÃculo derecho de 1 kilo 250 gramos. Me llamo Dante Voltta.
El hombre blanco dice:
¡Gracias al cielo!, pensé que habÃas dicho ¡DATE VUELTA!
08
May
The wife says: Im not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question Whats wrong?
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: Its just that youre an idiot.
The wife says: I dont want to talk about it.
The wife means: Im still building up steam.
08
May
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
Im sorry sir, the first trooper told the driver, but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, Tacks evasion.
08
May
The old farmer was talking to his neighbor after Sunday school
and said:
I didnt realize how bored God is with baseball.
After all the preacher said, In the Big Inning,
God created the heavens and the earth…
08
May
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, So how high can you advance in your organization?
The Priest says If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.
Well, could you get any higher than that? asks the Rabbi.
I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop said the Priest a bit cautiously.
Is there any way that you might go higher than that?
If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal,
said the priest.
Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but…
So the Rabbi says And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?
What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!
The Rabbi leaned back and said One of our boys made it.
From dpn@panda.UUCP (Rambo) Wed Aug 28 12:40:51 1985
Newsgroups: net.jokes