Bad: You find a porn movie in your sons room.
Worse: Youre in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughters the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriends exercising.
Bad: So hell fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughters on the Pill.
Bad: Shes eleven.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: Shes coming home.
Optional M.O.M. technology automatically yells at you to Go outside and get some fresh air for every hour of game play.
Built-in catheter helps extend those marathon DOOM sessions!
Makes you feel really cool for a couple of weeks, with nearly twice as many Ill be your best friend offers!
Broadband access enables joystick to double as a SCUD missile launcher.
You can play it naked!
Razzes you about how your country still cant even manufacture a decent television set.
Panic button switches the screen to porn whenever your wife walks in the room, so she wont think youre a game geek.
Timer automatically counts down to exact moment of obsolescence.
Groundbreaking, truly interactive technology allows you to use your own penis, or that of a friend, as a joystick.
New Campaign 2000 edition has an Al Gore thats 33% more lifelike than the original, a George W. Bush with realistic SnortSurround sound, and a Ralph Nader which doesnt do anything for itself, but helps destruct competing models.
Special butter churn attachment for Elijahs Virtual Churnmaster 3000 results in awesome, realistic butter churning!
Label on underside has cool recipe for vegan babaganoush.
Secret command sequence causes head of annoying dweeb who lives next door to explode.
CPU now draws a full 75% of its power from your pent-up sexual frustration.
and Topfive.coms Number 1 Cool Feature of the Sony PlayStation 2 …
Highspeed internet access allows you to play online with other losers who paid $1000 for a friggin toy.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
[Ed: Winner of one of the 1991 Original Comedy Awards.]
Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you
for a bunch of personal data when youre just there to buy something as
simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these
people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer
cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name.
Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson, I replied.
(blank look of confusion)
How do you spell that? he asked, obviously not wanting to know.
With a hyphen, I clarified
Once more? he asked
Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson
Could you please spell that? he asked, glancing at the half dozen
people waiting behind me.
Oh… just like it sounds, I said nonchalantly.
Putting down Johnson, he went on and asked about the address.
Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3,
Building O, Appt. 1382b, I replied.
Almost through writing all this down, I said, Or did you mean
current address?
Stoping, he said, (becoming irritated) Yes. Current address.
Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue,
Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201, I replied quite slowly.
Waiting until he finished I said, No, wait, its NORTH Tinatonabee
Avenue. Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.
I think, I interjected.
And is all this correct? he asked in a standard manner.
Of course not, I replied, leaving, If you want my REAL name and
address, look at the damned credit card receipt.
A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me… at least,
none that had been to Radio Shack.
Q:How is a blonde and a screen door alike?
A:The harder you bang them the looser they get.
A Slide Rule doesnt shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.
A Slide Rule doesnt smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.
A Slide Rule doesnt care if you smoke, or hiccup.
You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you can use a Slide Rule while completely submerged in coffee.
You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire paper quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.
A Slide Rule and Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over for lunch or a change of underwear.
A properly used Slide Rule can perform pipelined *and* parallel operations. (Okay, you need a guru for this.)
You dont get junk mail offering pricey software upgrades that fix current floating point errors while introducing new ones.
A Slide Rule doesnt need scheduled hardware maintenance.
A Paper Pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be easily upgraded from monochrome to color.
Slide Rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture.
You can hold a Slide Rule at arms length, to hit the obnoxious person at the next seat over.
A Slide Rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depredations from hostile adolescents with telephones.
Additional Paper Pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly and without needing to reconfigure everything.
Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster, cheaper slide rule next month.
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that hes wearing?
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her.
So… I switched the heads
A twinkie.
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Dont fear anything.
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpses anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
Next, the professor said, you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.
BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in Our daughters computer cost quite a bit.
BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.
BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.
CHIPS – The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR – What you turn into when you cant get your computer to perform, as in You %@& computer!
DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom just to look.
EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE – What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her days work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY – The condition of a constant computer users stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see CHIPS).
HARDWARE – Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you havent laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM – The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so youll pay attention to them again.
MENU – What youll never see again after buying a computer because youll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
PROGRAMS – Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.
RETURN – What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.
TAB – What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.
TERMINAL – A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW – What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.