Old and New Jokes

A nurse from england was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:Keep off the grass.

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: Sorry, had to mow the lawn.

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless Im sick.

I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr. Death.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell Shes Dead at roll call.

The principals toupee is not a Frisbee.

I will not call the principal spud head.

Goldfish dont bounce.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Frida!
Frida who?
Frida be!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jilly!
Jilly who!
Jilly out here, so let me in!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tom Sawyer!
Tom Sawyer who?
Tom Sawyer underwear!

President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.

Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.

Entró la madre de la adolescente a la habitación de ésta y encontró sobre la cama un consolador de baterías, doce pulgadas de largo, acrílico azul semi-transparente, cabeza ancha y suspensión reforzada. Angustiada la madre decide, después de mucho pensarlo, enfrentar directamente el tema con su hija.

Cuando ésta llega del colegio le dice:

Hija, quiero que hablemos de esto (mostrándole el consolador). ¿Puedes explicarme qué significa?

Fácil -dice ella- Tu me has enseñado que debo tener una sexualidad responsable y por lo mismo he decidido dar satisfacción a mi calentura y alboroto hormonal con este consolador que no me contagia de SIDA, no me embaraza, no me regaña, ni me grita ni me pone los cuernos.

La madre la mira seriamente, pensando en su interior. Le parece muy lógico y razonable lo que escuchó y decide dejarla seguir con su consolador. Días después la hija llega del colegio y al entrar a la sala ve a su madre con un vaso de whisky en una mano y con el consolador en la otra.

La hija la mira aterrada y le exclama:

!Mamá, ¿qué haces con Andrew? (¿por qué las mujeres le pondrán nombre a todo?)

La madre que ya está medio pea, la mira a los ojos y tranquilamente le dice:

¿Qué, acaso no puedo hecharme unos traguitos con mi yerno?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yehuda!
Yehuda who?
Yehuda dance all night!

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you….On your wat home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts, Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knew, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue….Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at you husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should go see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. Im afraid your sex life is as good as it can ever be. I cannot help. The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us! Well, alright, the doctor said. on your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apple and a box of Cheerios……