Old and New Jokes

La mujer le dice al marido: Cariño, podríamos comprarnos una hucha (alcancía) y cada vez que hagamos el amor echar veinte monedas. Y así, cuando acabe el año la rompemos y nos vamos de fiesta.

La rompen por navidades y el marido se queda asombrado de lo que había dentro.

¡Pero si hay hasta billetes de mil!

La mujer contesta: ¿Qué te crees, que todos son tan tacaños como tú?

Estaba una enorme fila de gente que aguardaba para llegar con San Pedro, ya que él les diría si se iban al Cielo o al Infierno, en eso pasa una señora y él le dice:

Señora, confiese el mayor error que cometió durante su vida.

La verdad, San Pedro, es que yo cuando me casé ya no era virgen, pero mi esposo nunca lo supo.

Está bien, hija, todos cometemos errores, adelante puedes pasar al Cielo.

La señora se va al Cielo; después de un rato, llega hasta San Pedro una mujer vieja, pero que aún era virgen y antes de que San Pedro pudiera decirle algo, ella lo interrumpe y le dice muy orgullosa:

Señorita vieja.

Al Infierno por pendeja.

Un matrimonio de gays decidió que querían tener un hijo. Contrataron a una mujer para que les engendre la criatura. Unieron sus espermas, los mezclaron bien y la mujer fue artificialmente inseminada.

A los nueve meses los llamaron del Hospital para decirles que acababa de nacer un varoncito. Corrieron llenos de alegría al Hospital. Al llegar los llevaron a una sala donde había como treinta bebés todos gritando y llorando, menos uno. Había uno plácido y sonriente. La sorpresa se la llevaron cuando la enfermera les indicó que ese era su bebé.

Pero que bebé tan bueno, tan alegre! exclama uno de los maricas.

La enfermera responde:

Es cierto… ¡pero no vayan a sacarle el chupete del culo porque se pone como loco!

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?

A. Just in case they get a hole in one.



2. Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: I didnt realize you had played before, sir!



3. Golfer: My wife says if I dont stop playing golf shes going to leave me!

Caddy: Im sure you will miss her terribly, sir!



4. Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game?

Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.

Two Aggies decide they want to go ice fishing so they gather together all their gear, get bundled up nice and warm, and head out onto the ice.

As they were attempting to cut a hole through the ice, they suddenly hear a voice from the heavens There are no fish under the ice!



They stopped, looked at one another, shrugged their shoulders, shook their heads and continued to cut the hole in the ice.



Suddenly, the voice from above again says, this time with more authority, There are no fish under the ice!!!



The two aggies looked at one another again, couldnt figure it out, and continued to cut the hole in the ice.



Then the voice from above says, Gentlemen, this is the mall manager! There are no fish under the ice!!!!

Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.

Applicant: Im the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

You might be a redneck if…
Your babys first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?

A girl raised her hand and asked, To draw out all his savings?

1. Youd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"