Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says, Just say NO to crack! and it reminds you to pull up your pants!

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be



administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using s instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard c could be replaced by k sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome ph would henseforth be written f. This would make words like fotograf twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing th by z. Perhaps zen ze funktion of w kould be taken on by v, vitsh is, after al, half a w. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary o kould be dropd from vords kontaining ou. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

A hunter walked into a pub where some of the regulars were talking about their most painful experiences. They saw him come in and asked him what his was. he answered.

Once i had just got a dear down and i had to shit. so i went over to a tree pulled down my pants and leaned over. My balls were hanging down and trigered a trap and i bolted.



Wow that was the worst. they said.



No that was only the second the first was when the chain ran out.

In restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: Rome wasnt built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor.

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: Caution: Nuts crossing road.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible
fight. I am the most beautiful person in the world, proclaimed
Sleeping Beauty.

No, youre not, answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

I am the smallest person in the world, shouted Tom Thumb.

No, youre not, said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

Ive had more lovers than any person in the world, announced Don
Juan.

No, you havent replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to
his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a
time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming. I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said
so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, Who the hell
is Bill Clinton

Slogans for womens T-shirts:
• Im out of estrogen – I have a gun.

• Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?

• I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them.

• Next mood swing: six minutes.

• And your point is?

• I used to be schizophrenic, but were OK now.

• Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day.

• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

• Of course I dont look busy… I did it right the first time.

• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

• Im multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

• Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP

• All stressed out and no one to choke.

• Im one of those bad things that happen to good people.

• How can I miss you if you wont go away?

• Sorry if I looked interested. Im not.

• Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.

Theres a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going
to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white
striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen
minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and
then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time
for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the
field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half
hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his
thesis on this, and graduated.

Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
If this leaks out, Ill be ruined.
If this doesnt leak out, *Ill* be ruined.
If I could convince Hillary to do that just once …
Now you know why they call me Slick Willie.
You are a White House intern; Well, now its your turn.
I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.
Somehow, I dont think that alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.
Ive always said, I want to be a hands-on president.
What do you mean falsie inspection. I dont remember a no falsies clause in my contract.
When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.
I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Sox sharpening his claws.
Are you *sure* its in?
When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isnt exactly what i thought you meant.
Maybe Chelsea can hook me up with some of those sorority babes.

And the number 1 thing overheard coming from the oval Office …

If you think thats 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?Pregnant!

Heres some sure signs you may be a Canadian…

Youre not offended by the term, Homo Milk You understand, Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine. You know what it means to be on pogey. You know that a mickey and 2-4s mean Party at the cabin, eh!! You dont hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. You can drink legally while still a teen. You dont give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, its just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. Youre not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and dont want to know if he has! You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. You know that Mounties dont always look like that. You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as for children and the elderly, and for export to the US. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You believe the Canadian Conspiracy should have won an Oscar. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears wont prowl on your deck. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.