Old and New Jokes

What is the difference between the Titantic and Bill Clinton?

They know how many people went down on the Titantic!!

You know, a guy told his buddies, Im a lucky man.I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work.

What did she do? someone asked.

She was so happy to have me home, he said, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, shed shout, My husbands home! My husbands home!

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. What are you doing? she asks. Mom, its my LOVE dress!! Dont you like it? Ill come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. Now what are you doing? Mom, its my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: Honey, what are you doing? she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, Its my LOVE dress! What do you think of it? Her husband thinks long and hard and says, I think you should have ironed it!

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders car?



Neither has he.

Why do [ethnics] wear long dresses?

To hide the pest strips.

Heisenberg may have been here.

The last 10 things any man would ever say

I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
While Im up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
Sure Id love to wear a condom.
We havent been to the mall for ages, lets go shopping and I can
hold your purse.
Fuck Monday Night Football, lets watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

The last 10 things any woman would ever say

Could our relationship be more physical? Im tired of just being
friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, its easier for me to douche that
way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please dont throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
Im wrong, you must be right again.

Theres a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.


In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

yo mama is so fat she went on a elevator


she pressed up it went down

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.



They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. Theres hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill – theres more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.



Later, after theyve had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, So, how was I ?



She replied, Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.