Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers…
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My wife and I cant come to the phone right now, but if youll leave your name and number, well get back to you as soon as were finished.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why were not here. So leave a message.
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didnt lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, dont worry, I have plenty of money.
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Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
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Hi! Johns answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Hello, this is Sallys microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so Im stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
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This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your call.
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Hi. I am probably home. Im just avoiding someone I dont like. Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.
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Hi, this is George. Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
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If you are a burglar, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent home and its safe to leave us a message.
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Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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Hello, youve reached Jim and Sonya. We cant pick up the phone right now, because were doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when were done brushing our teeth, well get back to you.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word rug rat.
Youve ever hitchhiked naked.
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?
The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.
So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter?
No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing.
In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.
So be it says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.
The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.
Why? asketh the Lord.
Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.
Monica Lewinsky went in to a liposuction clinic to have her love handles removed . . .
they removed her ears.
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, That was your mom. She said shed call back.
Yo mama so fat that Fat Albert turned her down.
A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, Now, what do I give them to drink?
Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, Im sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf, and you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse! That must have been very hard for you, considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.Oh, carrying him wasnt that hard, said his friend, sadly. The difficult part was putting him down … and then having to pick him up again after every stroke.