Old and New Jokes

How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.

En la calle, un sujeto se dirige con una prostituta:

Te doy 15 dólares si me dejas hacerte el amor.

Por 15 te dejaré verlo nada más.

Bueno, está bien, acepta el tipo.

Los dos se dirigen a un callejón oscuro. La puta se baja la falda y se lo enseña. El tipo se agacha para poder ver; pero como está muy oscuro, saca su encendedor y le ilumina sus partes.

Tienes mucho vello púbico, ¿puedes orinar por allí?

¡Claro! ¿Por qué?

¡Porque será mejor que empieces a mear antes de que se te queme todo!

No.1 said I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel

No.2 replied, How lucky for you. Mines still alive.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

Whats Monica Lewinskys favorite boxing move?

– The Low Blow

Q: What did the blondes mom say to her before the blondes date?

A: If youre not in bed by 12, come home.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting – even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said U.S. POSTMAN.

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

Now Dillards, now Broadways, now Pennys and Sears
Heres Levitzs and Targets and Mervyns – all here!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOULL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Dont fear anything. After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpses anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it.
Next, the professor said, you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washingtons ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked.

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, advised Tom.

Clinton didnt sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked.

Go to the theatre.

Really Stupid People

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.