Old and New Jokes

President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, Mr. President . . . Bill . . . since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, wed like for you to throw out the first pitch.

President Clinton say excitedly, SURE, ID LOVE TOO…SOUUUIIEEEE!



So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd . . . the crowd applauds…Bill does the Presidential wave thing…and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. SOUUUUIIEEEE. The crowd goes WILD!



George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, That was just FANTASTIC…but I said throw out the first PITCH!

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.



The first guy said, My wife, she thinks so much of me that she wont let me do any work around the house. Its incredible!



The second guy says, Thats nothing. My wife thinks Im God!



She thinks youre God? What makes you say that?



Easy…Every night she places a burnt offering before me!

ABC Americas Mickey Mouse Network



Allstate Sears-ious Insurance



AOL Weve Got You by the Wires



AT&T No, WEVE Got You by the Wires



Burger King Wait for It Your Way



CBS Welcome Home. Hey, Where the Hell Is Everyone?



Chevrolet GEO Whiz, We Like Toyota



Chrysler The Mercedes-Benz of American Cars



Coca-Cola New Coke Was Pepsis Idea



Democratic National Party Bill Clinton? Never Heard of Him



Disney Available in Stores for a Limited Time Only



Eveready Nothing Really Keeps on Going Forever



Ford Quality is Somebody Elses Job



Ernest & Julio Gallo: We Will Have No Hangover before Its Time



General Electric Were a Lot Like RCA



Honda Just As Good As Hyundai. Really



IBM Windows Is Just a Fad



JERZEES Fit to a T



KIA Killed in Action?



Little Debbie Snackcakes Our Name Says It All



LOreal Im Worth It, and Whats It To Ya?



Maytag The Fix Is On



McDonalds Did Somebody Say Cholesterol?



Microsoft Breaking Up Is Hard To Do



NBC Formerly Known As Must See TV



Nike Just Do It and Get Arrested



Norelco Running Circles around Blades



Old Navy Can You Ever Forgive Us?



Oscar Meyer We Are NOT about Spelling



Pepsi-Cola That Clear Crap Was Cokes Idea



Pizza Hut Nobody Beats Our Meat Lovers Special



?Que Pasa? Not Really a Name Brand



RCA Going to the Dogs



Republican National Party The Potatoe People



Sony We Just Cant Top the Walkman



Sprite Obey Our Ads



Seven-Up Up Yours, Cola Bastards



Subway We Are Not Public Transportation, Dammit



Toyota Slightly Better Than Hyundai



Unicorns Sorry We Missed the Ark



Volkswagen Buyers Wanted. Hey, Were Dying Out Here



Whirlpool Not Nearly As Wet As We Sound



Xerox The Original Copycats



Young Again We Wish



Zebra Sort of Like a Black and White Striped Horse



Zerox See Us at Xerox

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software – 20 minutes.





2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page – 6 weeks.





3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it – 20 minutes.





4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site – 1 minute.





5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like – 4 days.





6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again – 25 minutes.





7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do – 15 minutes.





8. View the source of others pages, steal some, change a few words here and there – 4 hours.





9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software – 1 minute.





10. Try to horizontally line up two related images – 6 hours.





11. Remove one of the images – 10 seconds.





12. Set the texts font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone – 4 hours.





13. Download a counter from your ISP – 4 minutes.





14. Try to figure out why your counter reads You are visitor number -16.3 E10 – 3 hours.





15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text – 8 hours.





16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP – 40 minutes.





17. Accidentally delete your complete web page – 1 second.





18. Recreate your web page – 2 days.





19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISPs server – 3 weeks.





20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP – 30 minutes.





21. Download FTP software – 10 minutes.





22. Call your friend again – 15 minutes.





23. Upload your web page to your ISPs server – 10 minutes.





24. Connect to your site on the web – 1 minute.





25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps – eternity.

If your mother is a washing machine and your father is a competative hot dog eater, what are you?



NO! because dog houses cant fly!

REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST

– All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!

– Clark Kent style safety glasses

.- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.

– The opportunity to deal with irate clients asking where are my results?

– Because its pHun 🙂

– Access to 100% pure ethanol

– Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies

– You never have to worry about what youre doing on Friday night (Youre working in the lab)

– Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.

– You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.

– ditto for cancer

– You are adept at poverty cooking

– You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that youve been waking up grumpy every morning.

Client: No, I always let him sleep.

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home."

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was
dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next
to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes, he asked
the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you got
arthritis by drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and
reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started
to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and
asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had
arthritis.

A Sioux woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. I want a tooth pulled, and I dont want any pain killers because Im in a big hurry, the Sioux woman said. Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and well be on our way.

The dentist was quite impressed. Youre certainly a courageous woman, he said. Which tooth is it?

The Sioux woman turned to her husband and said, Show him your tooth, dear.