Knock Knock
Whos there?
Martha!
Martha who?
Martha them up to the top of the hill and the marched them down again!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.

What does that tell you?

Watson pondered for a minute.

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isnt too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a mans penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a mans penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a mans penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion.

They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a mans penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Un hombre baja en su automóvil por una carretera de montaña, sinuosa y escarpada.

Una mujer también al volante, sube por la misma carretera. Cuando se cruzan, la mujer saca la cabeza por la ventanilla y grita:

¡CERDOOO!

El hombre saca también la cabeza por la ventanilla y contesta:

¡PUTAAA!

Cada uno sigue su camino. Cuando el hombre tuerce en la curva siguiente se encuentra con un cerdo en medio de la carretera; instintivamente, gira el volante para esquivarlo y el coche rueda por la ladera y se estrella en el valle.

¡Ah, si los hombres escucharan alguna vez a las mujeres…!

Un individuo que vivía en Inglaterra recibe un telegrama, el cual decia: Papá murió, vuelve a casa.

El pobre empeña hasta el ultimo clavo para tomar el avión y regresar a México a recibir su herencia.

Cuando llega se lleva la tremenda sorpresa de que su mamá había heredado todo.

Pasan cinco meses y recibe otro telegrama: Mamá testó, vuelve a casa.

Empeña todo y vuelve a viajar para cobrar ahora sí, su herencia.

Al llegar a reclamar la herencia, la familia le dice:

¿De qué hablas?, el telegrama decía: Mámate esto, se vuelve a casar.

Hlades Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will find an easier way to do it.

A Russian and a Pollack get into a car accident. They are yelling at each
other saying that it was the other guys fault. Finally the Pollack says:

Your right its my fault. go ahead and call the police and just get it over with.
The Russian says:
No, im going to do what we do in my country.
The Pollack says:
Well what is that?
The Russian says:
Well you have to sit in a circle and not get out of it no matter what happens.
The pollack says:
Ok ill do it.

So the pollack goes and sits in a circle in the middle of the road, the
Russian pulls out a pocket knife and slashes the guys tires. He turned
around and saw that the Pollack was laughing, and that made him mad, so he
got out his crowbar and smashed all the guys windows. He turned around and
the guy was laughing even harder. This made him even madder so he took out
a can of gas and torched the guys car, when he turned around the Pollack
was rolling around on the ground clutching his stomach and laughing so hard
that there were tears in his eyes. The Russian ran up to him a said:

Why are you laughing?
The Pollack said:
Because when you turned around I stepped out of the circle.

George Carlin Speaks Out…

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, youd better do it in English.

Im not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesnt take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I dont think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I dont use the excuse its for the children as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please dont pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

Im neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, Im a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

A modem doesnt ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing AT. When youre done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
A modem wont say a word if you come home late. A modem cant collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. A modem doesnt gripe if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
A modem doesnt mind if you call another modem. A modem doesnt require any foreplay – just an initialization command. A virus you catch from your modem doesnt require a trip to the doctor.
You dont have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control – you can even turn the sound OFF.