Old and New Jokes

Q: How many porn actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer is actually none. Theyre just faking it.

Bob and joe are fishing in a boat. bob pulls up a lamp on his line. a genie pops out and said he would give bob one wish. bob said to turn the lake into beer. the genie granted his wish. bob turned to joe and asked,what do ya think? joe said,i think youre an asshole! now we gotta piss in the boat!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

That it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class, Id still sleep through it. That I could change so much and barely realize it That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. No matter how cool you were in high school, no one here cares. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up. That every clock on campus shows a different time. That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesnt matter here. That I would go to a party the night before a final. That Chem. Labs/Art studios take up more time than all my other classes put together. That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and ace a test. That I could get used to almost anything found out about my roommate. That most of my education would be obtained outside of class. That friendship is more than getting drunk together. That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about That Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination. That Psychology is really Biology. That Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math. That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years. That its possible to be alone even when friends surround you. That friends are what make this place worthwhile! Dont be dismayed at good-byes, a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

Two rabbis were walking past a church and saw a sign reading Well pay you
$2,000 to convert.

The first rabbi, clearly offended, arched his eyebrows and decided to look
into the matter. The second agreed to stay outside. Twenty minutes later
the first rabbi returned.

Well? asked the second rabbi. Is it true? Could they really be
offering money for a conversion? Did they offer $2,000 dollars?

The first rabbi just frowned and replied… 2,000 dollars?… Is that all
you people think about?

The phone call…

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
How should I know, thats 200 miles from here! and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, Who was that?

And his lovely wife replies, I dont any idea who it was.
It was some stupid woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, I have no idea what number to play.A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts all of her money on number 32.The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.The smile drifted from the womans face and she fainted.

When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.
You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
Youre amazed to find out Spam is a food.
You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.
You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.
At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.
After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!

… and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:

Two words: Pizzas here.

Two college students, Jim and Johnny, are visiting Fort Lauderdale at spring break. Jim notices the other with females hanging on his every word hugging and carressing him, and he is puzzled.

That night as they bed down under the dock, he says, Hey, what is it with you, anyway? You got women all over you!

The other whispers, Ill tell you my secret. Slip a potato into your pants. They cannot resist you.

So the next day, Jim appears suitable adorned, and again has no luck. That night, he accosts Johnny.

Hey man, I did what you said. I put in the potato and they still wont come near me!

Well, maybe theres something wrong. Let me take a look… Oh, No! Man, the potato goes in the front, man, in the front.