Old and New Jokes

For those of you who may need it…A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work….

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

And help me to remember …

When Im having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!

They both like a tight seal!

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint
Peter tells him, You look like Einstein, but you have no idea
the lengths that some people will go to sneak into heaven. Can you
prove who you really are?

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. You really are Einstein!
he says. Welcome to heaven!

The next to arrive is Pablo Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.

Picasso asks, Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?

Saint Peter says, Go ahead.

Picasso erases Einsteins equations and sketches a truly stunning
mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!
he says. Come on in!

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter
scratches his head and says, Einstein and Picasso both managed to
prove their identity. How can you prove yours?

George W. looks bewildered and says, Who are Einstein and Picasso?

Saint Peter sighs and says, Come on in, George.

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle; Im still a virgin.

What? said the puzzled groom. How can that be if youve been married ten times?

Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnt get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didnt know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … God, I miss him!

But now that Ive married you, Im really excited! Good, said the husband, but, why? Duh; youre a LAWYER. This time I KNOW Im gonna get screwed!

Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex? So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!

That is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man? I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins? They cant stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A mans undivided attention.

Did you hear about the banker whos a great lover? He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love.

What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.

Husband: I dont know why you wear a bra, youve got nothing to put in it? Wife: You wear briefs, dont you?

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a mans view of safe sex? A padded headboard.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldnt hump womens legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, How sad, a dead bird. The other man looked up and said, where? {regular readers will remember this as a blond joke… equal time, right?

Why do men love computers? No matter what mood theyre in, they can still get a floppy in.

Whats the difference between a clitoris and a pub? 9 out of 10 men can find a pub.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!

You got your tater gun hangin over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

Youve ever entered yourself in a Howdy Doody Look-alike Contest.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degreein journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired himwas to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he wentback to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmershouse way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer andproceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young manasked, Has anything ever happened around here that made youhappy?

The farmer thought for a minute and said, Yep! One time one ofmy neighbors sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Weall screwed it and took it back home.

I cant print that! the young man exclaimed.

Can you think ofanything else that happened that made you or a lot of other peoplehappy?

After another moment, the farmer said, Yeah, one time myneighbors daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a bigposse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we tookher back home.

Again, the young man said I cant print that either. Has anythingever happened around here that made you sad?

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after afew seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, I gotlost once.

Stascz and Janos went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Stascz had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.

Janos waited for Stascz…and waited, and waited. Finally, he looked inside and saw Stascz stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick.

Stascz, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?

he yells.

I dropped my jacket down the hole, he complains.

Its the one my momma gave me.

Janos shakes his head.

Youre crazy–you not gonna wear that thing now, are you?

Hell no, Stascz assures him, but theres a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!

What is the difference between a female lawer and a bulldog?



Lipstick!!!!