Always good advice:
1) Backup your important files.
2) Defragment your hard drive.
3)Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
01
Sep
01
Sep
Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through
the alphabet, having each child think up a word
that starts with a letter. They get to W, and the
teacher figures Little Johnny cant think up
anything dirty with a W so she calls on him.
Womb!, Little Johnny says.
Thats a good word, Johnny, teacher says. Is
that as in where babies come from? she asks.
No, says Johnny, Thats the sound elephants
make when theyre screwing… you know, Womb!
Womb! Womb!
01
Sep
Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.
Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days cause it says concentrate.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
Yo mama so stupid she hears its chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!.
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid that she ran into an automatic sliding door.
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you What is the number for 911
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an elevator was a mobile home.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under Education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
Yo mama so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
Yo mama so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo mama so stupid she couldnt read an audio book.
Yo mama so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying Hi! Hitler.
Yo mama so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.
Yo mama so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said guess so she said levis.
Yo mama so stupid when she walked into Walgreens she said, These walls aint green!!
Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled weres my gumball.
Yo mama so stupid that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!
Yo mama so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game.
Yo mama so stupid she asked for a price check at the $.99 store.
Yo mama so stupid she walked into an antique store and said whats new!
Yo mama so stupid she saw a sign that said WET FLOOR, So she did.
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
01
Sep
A guy from Texas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she cant touch it til shes 14.How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married? Theres dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pick-up truck.Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Oklahoma to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Texas? Documentaries.Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, Got any I.D.? and the driver replies Bout wut?Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.The governors mansion in Alabama burned down! Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books — poof! — up in flames and he hadnt even finished coloring one of them.A new law was recently passed in Mississippi: When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
01
Sep
A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, Leroy. Yes, she replied, All three sons are named Leroy.
Why would you do that?, inquired the government worker.
It makes it much easier to get things done., was her reply. Leroy, time for bath. And they all would get in the bath. Leroy, time for supper. And they all would come to the table.
Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.
Oh thats easy, she replied. I just call them by their last name.
01
Sep
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the
auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular
class had been in aviaian biology and identification. The professor
was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in
the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students
saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that
they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that
had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a
number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die
down, and them addressed the class. Todays final will count, as you
know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the
test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table
before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the
creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the
identifications, you may leave. Begin. With that he sat down.
One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for
the profs attention, and asked a question, Uh, professor, are you
going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?
No… If youve been following the lectures through the term, you
should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should
have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the
reading assignments.
The student, becoming a little alarmed, You mean, you expect
us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet.
Thats unreasonable.
Im sorry youre dismayed by this test. Perhaps if youll begin
itll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin
also.
No, this is absurd. Im not going to take this test. This is
outrageous. Im leaving. And the student begins to gather up his
pencils, and day-pack.
If youre leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my
book now, please.
The irate student, holding up his feet so the
prof can see them, replies, YOU FIGURE IT OUT!
Benton Holzwarth
bentonh@tekig5.TEK.COM
01
Sep
An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. Hed seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else, but he wanted to see the *real* Australia. So there he found himself, on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasnt much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere. He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that buzzed around him. The pubs only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a Gday! The American ordered a beer. Yank eh? quizzed the Aussie. Sure am buddy, the Yank replied. Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank? the bloke asked. I think its got to be the a**hole of the world, the Yank replied. There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke. Then he asked: You just passing through?
31
Aug
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because its been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
Note: Sever of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was meant by them.
31
Aug
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
31
Aug
La fiesta de cumpleaños de Juanita iba a celebrarse y la mamá no querÃa que invitara a Pepito porque era muy grosero; pero ella suplicó y la madre accedió con una condición:
Por favor, dile a Pepito que se comporte y no sea majadero.
El dÃa de la fiesta, conforme van llegando los niños, son formados en la entrada para quitarles su suéter y colgarlo en el armario. Al llegar todos los niños, el payaso que ameniza la fiesta comienza con las adivinanzas para repartir los premios:
A ver, niños: lana sube, lana baja, ¿qué es?
Pepito fue el único que levantó la mano y cuando el payaso le pide que responda, Pepito contesta:
La verga.
La mamá de Juanita, enojada, ordena:
El suéter de Pepito porque ya se va.
Juanita se tira al suelo haciendo un berrinche y rogando:
¡Por favor, mamá, deja que se quede, te prometo que es la última groserÃa que hace!
No, es un majadero y te lo advertÃ.
Pero de tanto llorar, la mamá accede a la petición de su hija.
El payaso sigue:
Niños: ¿agua pasa por mi casa, cate de mi corazón?
Ningún niño levanta la mano, a excepción de Pepito, y el payaso, nervioso, pide:
¿Quién más? ¿Algún otro niño?
Como nadie responde, no le queda más que preguntarle a Pepito y éste responde:
La verga.
Ahora sÃ, el suéter de Pepito, pide la mamá de Juanita.
Juanita se tira al suelo:
¡No, mamá, por favor, te lo ruego, que no se vaya, él es el alma de las fiestas!
Y convence a la mamá.
Pero si vuelve a decir otra groserÃa, te juro que ahora sà se va.
El payaso continúa con las adivinanzas:
¿Entra parado, sale mojado y huele a pescado?
De inmediato se levanta Pepito:
¡Mi suéter, por favor, porque ahora sÃ, de que es la verga es la verga!
(No pienses mal, es el buzo)