A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the wauter and shouts “Stop that!” To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”
22
Sep
22
Sep
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila.
He looks at them and says OK and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell, 51 days! Then they proceed to slam the
shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide
to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more
gleefully yell, Only 51 days!
The bartender finally cant stand wondering what they are talking about and asks
them what they mean by only 51 days.
One of the blondes looks at him and says, Well, looking very smug, We just
finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days… and on the box it said 4-7
years.
22
Sep
Some years ago, the now-defunct airline Braniff advertised their business class section with leather seats and more leg room with the following: Fly in leather with three more inches. Spanish for in leather is en cuero. However, en cueros means naked. The Spanish version of Braniffs slogan thus became: Fly naked with three more inches. What a manly airline …
22
Sep
I heard this from some friends the other day:
Q: Can you name Santas reindeer?
(after the askee goes through Dasher, Dancer, … Blitzen, and Rudolph, you say:)
A: No, theres one more: Olive, the other reindeer
22
Sep
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.Thats amazing! said one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two?Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.
22
Sep
It says: Press Any Key
It means: Press any key you like but Im not moving.
It says: Press A Key
(This ones a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the A key.)
It says: Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E
It means: … where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that its a hardware problem.
It says: Installing program to C:Directory …
It means: … And Ill also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where youll NEVER find them.
It says: Please insert disk 11
It means: Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.
It says: Cannot read from drive D: …
It means: … However, if you put the CD in right side up …
It says: Please Wait …
It means: … Indefinitely.
It says: Directory does not exist …
It means: … any more. Whoops.
It says: The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.
It means: … Makes no difference to me, youre still not getting your work back.
21
Sep
Three guys are sitting at the bar, when a stranger walked in and took a stool at the far end of the bar. The three guys were tranfixed on the stranger, who bear a striking resemblance to Jesus.
For quite a while they were speculating if in fact it was the Son of God himself. Finally Joe stands up and said he would find out for sure and walked down to the end of the bar, but before he could even open his mouth, the stranger said, you have had constant pain in your lower back for many years, and so I say unto you Be healed. Instantly the pain left his body. He ran back to tell the others. Tom said that it was bullshit and went down to the end of the bar, but again before he could say anything, the stranger said, since you were a child you have had an inferior left eye, Be heal and see the world the way God intended. Toms bad eye was seeing as well as the other. Both 20/20. He came back to inform the others. Mack just set there, well Im not going down there – come hell or high water. Just then the stranger started walking toward Mack. Finally he was less than ten feet away from him Mack yells out, Stay away from me you son of a bitch…Im on Disability.
21
Sep
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, Whats that for?
Its for your headache, he replies
But I dont have a headache, she states.
He replies, Gotcha!
21
Sep
Un borracho llega a su casa cantando y haciendo barullo. En eso se asoma un vecino y le susurra:
¡Pss! ¡No haga ruido que su mujer se va a despertar!
No se preocupe, cuando llego asà mi mujer y yo jugamos al exorcista.
¿Ah s� ¿Y cómo es eso?
Bueno, ella me sermonea… ¡y yo vomito!
21
Sep
Una pareja de tontilandeses se encuentra en su primera noche de bodas. Ella sale al balcón a mirar las estrellas; él se va a la cama y desde ahà le pregunta:
Mi amor, ¿te vas a acostar?
No, mi mamá me dijo que ésta serÃa la noche más bella de mi vida… ¡y no me la quiero perder!