Old and New Jokes

A GUY WALKS INTO PETCO, HE GOES INTO THE BIRD AREA HE FINDS A BIRD HE WANTS TO BUY, SO THE GUY BOUGHT THE BIRD. HE TOOK THE BIRD HOME, AND NAMED THE BIRD CHEST.

THE GUY WENT BACK TO PETCO WITH HIS BIRD, A MAN SEES THE BIRD, SO THE MAN ASKS THE GUY IF THE BIRD CAN DO ANY TRICKS? THE GUY SAYS YES WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE SOME OF HIS TRICKS? THE MAN SAYS YES, SO THE GUY TOOK HIS LIGHTER AND PUT IT UNDER THE BIRDS LEFT FOOT, THE BIRD SINGS WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THE MAN SAID WOW THATS NEAT, SO THE GUY SAID DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY NEAT. THE MAN SAYS SURE. SO THE GUY TOOK THE LIGHTER AND PUT IT UNDER THE BIRDS RIGHT FOOT. THE BIRD SANG ROUDOLPH THE RED NOSE RAINDEER. THE MAN SAID THAT IS REALLY REALLY NEAT. THE GUY SAID YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY REALLY REALLY NEAT. THE MAN SAID SURE. SO THE GUY TOOK HIS LIGHTER AND PUT IT BETWEEN THE BIRDS TWO FEET AND THE BIRD SANG CHESTS NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE.

Women think they already know everything, butwait…training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

There were three men who were lost in the forest. Cannibals then captured them. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten apples.

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or youll be eaten. The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?

The second one replied, I know, but I couldnt help it. I was doin just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess

happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, I

was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can

marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my

meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy

doing so.

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, I dont think so.

I think of you as a sister.
(Youre ugly.)
Theres a slight difference in our ages.
(Youre ugly.)
Im not attracted to you in that way.
(Youre ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(Youre ugly.)
Ive got a girlfriend.
(Youre ugly.)
I dont date women where I work.
(Youre ugly.)
Its not you, its me.
(Youre ugly.)
Im concentrating on my career.
(Youre ugly.)
Im celibate.
(Youre ugly.)

… and the number 1 rejection line given by men

Lets be friends.
(Youre sinfully ugly.)

Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "Im not a bush fan." The teacher says, "Why arent you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "Im an Al Gore fan" The teacher asks why hes an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my moms an Al Gore fan and my dads an Al Gore fan, so Im an Al Gore fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if youre mom was a moron and youre dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

#1 Ropes or chains dear?

#2 Chains tonight!

#1 Leather or rubber?

#2 Rubber and spikes please.

#1 E, amyl, gange or billy?

#2 E and gange please.

#1 K.Y.jelly or Vaseline?

#2 K.Y. please.

#1 Condom?

#2 Naaaaaah!

#1 Ready?

#2 Yes!

#1 Right! Which nightclub shall we go to then?

IBM: Idiots Built Me

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The barman asks him,
You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.

The Irishman replies,
Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the others in Australia and Im here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.

One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
Oh no, he says. Everyones fine. Ive just given up drinking.

Im Glad Im A Man

Im glad Im a man, you better believe.

I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts

I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west

I dont get wasted after only 2 beers

and when I do drink I dont end up in tears.

I wont spend hours deciding what to wear,

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair

and I dont go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I dont whine in public and make us leave early

and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back

I dont carry our differences into the sack.

Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you

or think every guy out theres trying to steal you.

Im rational, reasonable, and logical too

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two balls and stand when I pee

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball

Its more fun than dealing with women after all

I wont cry if you figure out its not going to work

I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure

I wont assume its permanent by any measure.

Yes, Im glad Im a man, a man you see

Im glad Im not capable of child delivery

I dont get all bitchy every 28 days

Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you!