Old and New Jokes

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his

father. He opens his dads bedroom door and finds his mom and dad

humping away on the bed! Dad! says Johnny, What are you doing!

Johhnys father stops humping for a second and says Well, Johnny, Im

playing poker…and your mothers the wild card. Oh,says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to

look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brothers bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! Ernie! cried Johnny, What are you doing!. Ernie stops humping for a second and says, Well…Im playing poker, Johnny… and Thelma is the wildcard. Oh, says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnnys dad approached Johnnys room to call him to dinner. He

opens Johnnys bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was

going out of style! Johnny! his father said, I see youre playing

poker, but wheres your wildcard?

Johnny replies, With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!

What driving to the store would be like if operating systems ran your car.

MS-DOS
You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

Windows
You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Windows NT
You get in the car and write a letter that says go to the store. Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

Macintosh System 7
You get in the car to go to the store. The car drives you to church instead, because the store has mysteriously exploded.

Apple
As you set out for the store, a hurricane comes up. The streets flood and the windshield wipers quit. You wash up in front of a store on a desert island in the South Pacific.

UNIX
You get in the car and type GREP STORE. You screech off at 200 miles per hour and arrive at the barber shop.

Taligent/Pink
You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

Amiga
You get in the car and tell it to go to the store. It takes you to a shopping mall on the Moon.

VAX
You get in the car and find that the controls are all labeled in Egyptian hieroglyphics. You press several buttons at random and suddenly find yourself parked in front of a store, next to an Apple.

OS/2
After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of fuel, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing you and half the town.

S/36 SSP (mainframe, obviously)
You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400
An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.

Do you know the similarity between a rainbow and an Indian policeman ?
Well, both appear after the storm has abated.

A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.

The head of the tribe says to the German, What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds, I will take oil! So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, What do you want on your back?

I will take nothing! says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

What will you take on your back? the Amazons ask the American. He responds, Ill take the Mexican.

[Ed: Edited]
(From article <6907@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> in soc.culture.indian:)

Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood

and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the

cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two

weevils.

You wake up on a beach and suddenly notice the sand is all red.So is the sea.So are the rocks.So are the gulls, the sky and *gasp* your skin is red too!And all of a sudden you realise what is going on.Youve been marooned.

Drug dealers Software developers
Refer to their clients as users. Refer to their
clients as users.
The first ones free!Download a free trial
version!
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the
stuff). Have important South-East Asian connections (to help
debug the code).
Strange jargon: Stick, Rock, Dime bag, E.
Strange jargon: SCSI, RTFM, Java, ISDN.
Realize that theres tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old
market. Realize that theres tons of cash in the 14- to
25-year-old market.
Job is assisted by the industrys producing newer, more potent
mixes. Job is assisted by industrys producing newer, faster
machines.
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture
capitalists.
Their product causes unhealthy addictions. DOOM. Quake.
SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. Nuff said.
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who
depend on you. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!