Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist?

A: A chemist will drink anything that is distilled.

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genies lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, Nope…not these days…Im only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So…whatll be?

Bill didnt hesitate. He said, I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. Im good but Im not THAT good. I dont think it can be done. So make another wish.

Bill thought for a minute and said, You know, people really dont like my wife. They think shes a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. Thats what I want!

The Genie thought for a minute and said, Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

Im not aware of your problem, the doctor said. So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.

Of course, replied the patient… In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!

The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodiles mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,

Look, no marks.

The bartender is still unsure so the man asks…

Would anyone else like to try?

The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says…

I will but dont smack me on the head!

A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her, We can just live on love.

Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked, What are you doing?

She replied, Heating your breakfast.

That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping

my husband company while I go for a swim?



Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think Ill go

introduce myself!



His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and Im

happy for them both.



If he doesnt let me hold the remote, I get all moody.



He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.



Im sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned

waiter with a heart of gold any day!



Were redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him

with the color choices!



He talks our relationship to death! Its making me crazy!



Why



I just realized — my butt doesnt look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!

Q: How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three – one to change the bulb, and two to crack under the pressure.

There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.

I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed
that it had a bumper sticker that read Honk if you love Jesus. So
I thought about it a bit and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.

I was very suprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled,
The light is still red you asshole!!!! got back in the car and drove
off through the light which had just turned green.