Old and New Jokes

Must turd!

How do you drown a blonde?

Morris calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I dont want to discuss it. Im merely telling you because youre my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. Ive made up my mind, Im divorcing Mama.

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

I dont want to get into it. My mind is made up.

But Dad, you just cant decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?

Its too painful to talk about it. I only called because youre my son, and I thought you should know. I really dont want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.

But wheres Mama? Can I talk to her?

No, I dont want you to say anything to her about it. I havent told her yet. Believe me it hasnt been easy. Ive agonized over it for several days, and Ive finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.

Dad, dont do anything rash. Im going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you wont do anything until I get there.

Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. Ill hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just cant bear to talk about it anymore.

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

Benny told me that you dont want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you wont do anything until we both get there.

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah.

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran

some

tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor

called

and the wife answered.

Im going to have to run a few more tests, the doctor said Im going

to

need a semen, urine and a fecal sample.

After she hung up the husband asked, What did the doctor say?

Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear.

mr cohen was a jewish g-dfearing man who always trusted Hashem.one day his house went on fire while he was sleeping.he woke up to see a fireman inside the burning building and the fireman said come with me and you will be safe


no said mr cohen hHashem will save me.


the fireman left.then a helicopter comes along and a man steps out and said come with us to saftey.


no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.away goes the helicopter.


then a crane comes along and a man says come with us.


no said mr cohen Hashem will save me.


mr cohen dies and goes to heaven and he asks Hashem.


why did i die i was the only one who trusted you.


and hhHashem said i sent you everything i could to help you what more do you want?

You might be addicted to irc if…. …you want to meet a girl and your first impulse is to turn on your computer….you once devoted a weekend to working on your popups. …you sometimes go to #egypt just to get away from it all. …youre a heterosexual male, but one time you used a feminine nick just to mess with the horny net geeks. …youve ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face. …you make it a point to change your ping reply and quit message daily. …you have over 2 megs of .wav files on your mirc directory. …you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Dominos. …you join #hispanola just to work on my Spanish. …you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow. …youve ever typed drinking on irc is better than drinking alone. …you go into labor and you stop to type a special away message. …you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it….you have met over 100 ircers …you dont know your boyfriend/girlfriends first name…you tell your real friends you have plans already on Saturday night, when you dont…the Jehovas Witnesses knock on the door, and all you can think of doing is flood them with PINGs. …you raise your hand in class, and say BRB …you have more than 3 private message windows going simultaneously …when someone says what did you say? you reply scroll up! …you know more about your irc friends daily routines than you do your own spouses!

Weve all been interviewed for jobs. And, weve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Dont bite your nails. Dont fidget. Dont interrupt. Dont belch.

If we did any of the donts, we knew wed disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. … stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

2. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

3. A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

4. … asked to see interviewers resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

5. … announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve

6. Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

7. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

8. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

9 . At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.

10. … pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

11. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too much.

12. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

13. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidates brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

14. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: Which company? When do I start? Whats the salary?

I said, I assume youre not interested in conducting the interview any further. He promptly responded, I am as long as youll pay me more.

15. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

16. Candidate said he really didnt want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

17. … asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

18. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

A friend of mine started up an origami paper business. Unfortunately, it folded.

This year, our family is breaking with our usual tradition.

We always serve a Christmas swan because its so much fun to watch the kids fight over the neck. This year were having a California Condor-it tastes just like spotted owl. The bird is going to be stuffed with sausage made from baby seals. We all have to bring our own baseball bats in order to club the seals that will be made into stuffing. Best of all, this year its my turn to OJ the bird. As a present, Im giving my nephew a Milli Vanilli doll. You press a button and Teddy Ruxbin sings.

HAPPY HOLIDAY TO ALL!

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, Do you enjoy it?

She said that she did. He asked, Does it hurt you?

She said that it didnt. The doctor then told her, Well, then, theres no reason that you shouldnt practice anal sex, if thats what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.

The woman was mystified. She asked You can get pregnant from anal sex?

The doctor replied, Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?