Old and New Jokes

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me – all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, Maam, he said, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Yes, sir, my mother said with a sigh, theyre all mine. The customs agent began his interrogation: Maam, do you have any weapons, contrabond or illegal drugs in your possession? Sir, she calmly answered, if Id had any of those items, I would have used them by now.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
Sing along at the opera.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with thats what YOU think.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and cc. them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and accidentally flip the cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that?, What? Never mind, its gone now.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, No, wait, I messed it up, and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
In the memo field of all your checks, write for sensual massage.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CANT ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOURE NOT IN THE MOOD!
Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

Working for the military one often runs across some interesting stuff …

From a Russian document:

one of the serious problems in planning against American doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine.

Quote from a German general officer:

The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty…

10. Shes a goblin!

9. Id like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag….OH!-Youre having a great night!

7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

6. Shes got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

5. If you just lick it, itll last longer.

4. Show me your JuJuBees and Ill let you see my Zagnuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,

2. You scared me stiff!

1. Hes got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! Only 20 years of normal sex life? But the Lord was very adamant – that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. But I dont need 20 years, he protested, ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly Can I have the other ten? the monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years; and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again man spoke up Can I have the other ten? the lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years – but, like the others, ten was sufficient. And again man pleaded; Can I have the other ten?

Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life – ten years of monkeying around – ten years of lion about it – and ten years of making an ass of himself.

What does the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg?

Nothing, they have never met.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!

What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A blow job with handlebars.

Tres hombres son encarcelados por crímenes graves, todos con sentencia de veinte años en confinamiento solitario. A cada uno se le permite llevar a su celda una sola cosa.

El primero pide un montón de libros. El segundo pide que lo acompañe su esposa. Y el tercero pide doscientos cartones de cigarrillos. Al final de los veinte años, abren la celda del primer prisionero, quien sale y dice, Estudié tan duro que ahora me convertiré en abogado e iniciaré una nueva vida. Abren la puerta del segundo. Sale con su esposa y cinco hijos y dice: Esto fue lo mejor que me ha pasado. Mi esposa y yo nunca habíamos estado tan unidos, y tengo una nueva familia maravillosa.

Finalmente abre la puerta del tercer prisionero y éste sale tocándose los bolsillos y diciendo: Alguien tiene un encendedor.