Old and New Jokes

Un tipo vuelve a su casa después de haber estado con su amante y mientras se estaba arreglando se ve un terrible rasguño. Preocupado, entra a la casa y justo ve pasar al gato. Entonces le da una patada muy fuerte y el gato sale volando y chillando: MIAAAUUUUU, ¡MIAAAUUUUU! AAAAAAAA ¡MIAAAUUUUU!

Entonces viene su mujer corriendo y le dice:

¿Pero, querido, qué pasa?

Nada, este gato que me ataco y me rasguñó.

Sí, mi amor, mátalo, mátalo, que a mí me dejó un terrible chupón en el cuello.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a classified ad: Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a classified ad: Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want to open a damn checking account. To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!

Im very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, What seems to be the problem here?

Theres no friggin problem, dammit! the man says, I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!

I see, says the manager, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, You sure are mean when youre drunk, Superman.

I have a theory that its impossible to prove anything,

but I cant prove it.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: "Yahoo!"

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.

2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity And…

3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

Youve tried Dr.
Stillmans Quick Weight Loss Diet, the Sardine Diet, the Grapefruit Diet,
and more, but youre still lugging those extra pounds around. Whats a
food lover to do? Good news! Ten new diets have just arrived on the scene.
One of them is bound to do the trick.
1. The Internet Diet. You lose weight because youre
so addicted to being online, you dont eat for days at a time.
2. The Fantasy Diet. You eat a Collard Wrap while fantasizing
youre really eating Death by Chocolate.
3. The Play With Your Food Diet. Youre so busy making
a castle out of your mashed potatoes, you forget to eat them.
4. The Food Chess Diet. You and a friend play chess
using food tidbits as chess pieces. You are only allowed to eat when you
capture your friends players. You lose the game and you lose weight.
5. The Rolling Table Diet. You sit on a chair on wheels,
trying to eat at a table on wheels. The motorized floor under your table
is constantly shifting, so you dont get to eat much, and thus lose weight.
(This is similar to The Seasick Diet, but takes place in your own land-lubbing
home.)
6. The Fishermans Diet. A fisherman holds a pole whose
end is attached to a morsel of food in your mouth. Every time your try
to bite down on the food, the fisherman pulls the food away.
7. The Puffed Food Diet. All your favorite foods are
re-made in the style of puffed wheat or puffed rice. Your Cheese Ravioli
is now mostly air, so you dont gain any weight.
8. The Mock Puffed Food Diet. In this diet, all the
foods you like to eat are made of styrofoam, to resemble the Puffed Food
Diet. Now you cant eat the food at all. (You try to, and spit it out.)
You really lose weight.
9. The Edible Flowers Diet. You are only allowed to
eat edible flowers. You get bored with them and eat nothing, thus lose
weight.
10. The Love Diet. You munch playfully on your sweethearts
hand. You gain no calories; you lose weight. Your sweetheart loses interest
in you because s/he preferred you with love handles.

A little crack habit…

His lips are moving.