Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

———————————

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50

Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50

Hand Job $10.00

———————————

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

Yes? she inquires with a knowing smile, can I help you?

I was wondering, whispers the man, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

Yes, she purrs, indeed I am!

The man replies Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

A lawyers car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, my mercedes, my brand new mercedes! As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyers right arm missing.

Do you realize your arm is gone? asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,

My rolex, my brand new rolex!

I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on
Microsofts on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank
them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much I
appreciated it.

The next day I had a response:

We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution
as soon as possible.

Why did the duck check into rehab?

Answer: Because he was addicted to quack!

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

Good lord, mister, he gasped, are you drunk?

Of course, said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. What the hell do you think I am…a stunt driver!

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldnt open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they werent available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Sube un borracho a un taxi.

Borracho: ¡Eh varón! ¿Te puedo dejar la pizza y el vino sobre el asiento delantero?

Taxista: Sí, como no.

Borracho: ¡BRRGGGGGGGGGGG!

Two blokes are sitting in the doctors waiting room, so to pass the time start to chat to each other. They get to why they are here and the first one, Mr Smith, says Well, its kind of embarrassing really, but I got this red ring round the shaft of my … you know … penis. Hey thats amazing, says Mr Jones, I got a green ring round mine. I feel a lot better knowing I aint some kind of freak.



So both feeling somewhat relieved, they talk about football and horse racing until Mr Smith is called in to see the doctor. Ten minutes later, Mr Smith returns, a wide grin on his face. On the way to the door, he quickly says to Mr Jones, Hey no worries, he rubbed in some liquid with a cloth and it came off. Youll be out in no time. See ya buddy.



Feeling better, Mr Jones goes in to the doctor when called. He explains his problem, drops his trousers, and lets the doctor have a look. Its serious Im afraid Mr Jones, It will have to be amputated. I can schedule surgery for three days time.



WHAT!! NO!! That guy in here two minutes ago got his rubbed off! What do ya mean amputate?!



Im sorry Mr Jones, there is a big difference between lip-stick and gangrene.

There were 11 women hanging onto a rope that was hanging down a cliff. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should let go because if they didn’t then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette thought to herself “I’ll let go.”

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would let go, all of the blondes started clapping.

How do u get an etheopian in a phone box?


put a tin of beans in it.


How do u get it out again?


Run past wiv a can opener.