Old and New Jokes

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

When the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar
grunting noises.

Why wasnt Jesus born in LA?

They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

Carpe Diem Seize the Day
Carpet Diem Seize the Carpet
Car Payment Diem Seize the Checkbook
Carpe Diarrheam Seize the Toilet Paper
Carpe Duh Seize the Idiot
Carp Diem Fish of the Day
Crampy Diem Seize the Midol
Carpe Diet Seize the Rice Cakes
Carpe DigEm Seize the Sugar Smacks
Carpal Diem Seize the Knuckles
Carnal Diem Seize the Smut
Carpe Diplomam Seize the Sheepskin

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) — After El Nino brought only moderate rain to the West Coast, the National Weather Service was forced to admit that the much-hyped El Nino was indeed a hoax.

The infamous radar depictions of the swirling weather system were no more than infra-red photographs of a flushing toilet uploaded onto satellites by a couple of teenage pranksters.

In the interest of good taste, the NWS would not describe how the teenagers simulated the Boktu Islands being spun around and swallowed up by the ocean, but admit that maybe someone should have called Boktu before giving the islands Atlantis status.

The NWS confessed that they were surprised people actually listened to their local weather person in the first place, saying, I mean, look at them for goodnesss sake, theyre rodeo clowns in suits.

Reported by Dave James

The Daily Probe, December 22, 1997 daily@walrus.com

I think Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man:

1. Men cant pack a bag.
2. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
3. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
4. Men dont answer their mail.
5. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be describe even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
6. Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.
7. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
8. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men…Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not Santa. Not a chance.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.
Im lost, said the man, Can you put me up for the night?

Certainly, the Chinese man said, but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.

OK, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldnt keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old mans warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldnt hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.

Well, thats easy, he thought. If thats the best the old man can do then I dont have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, IM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

A young lawyer was driving down the road in his new BMW. He had just been made a partner in the firm, and was feeling great about life. Then, all of a sudden he was standing at the pearly gates. What happened? he asked. You died, replied St. Peter. How did I die, did I get in a wreck? No. said Saint Peter. A heart attack, did I have a heart attack? No was the reply. Then how did I die? You died of old age. said the apostle. What do you mean I died of old age. I couldnt die of old age! I was only 36! the young man cried. According to your billable hours, said St Peter, youre 112.

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!!