Old and New Jokes

You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.

You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.

The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

Q: How many Austrailian Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but there is only one and she is old and not feeling that well these days so … hurry!

Entra un jorobado a hacer pipí en un baño público y se para junto a otro señor que también se estaba disponiendo a hacer sus necesidades. El giboso se abre la bragueta y saca tremendo miembro, tan grande, que el señor que estaba junto a él exclama:

¡Uy, si yo la tuviera así de grande me la estaría besando todo el día!

¿Y por qué crees que estoy jorobado, pendejo?

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is
not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb. Well
put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the
defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled. With his
lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench, and walked out.

You get to park in the handicap zone.

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?

His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, Ill display it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what youve learned.

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Dont tell your dad, but yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?

His sister looks up and says, Omigod! Definitely!

The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think Ive figured it out. Potentially were sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

My husband, she said, always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.

Is that a problem? asked the therapist.

Well, she said, the problem is he walks in his sleep!

what is the diffrence between a jew and a cheese pizza?

the chees pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, If you were my wife I would drink it.

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Aint Prince Charming!! (and added comments)

1. Theyve got that comfortable place on their shoulder thats perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least thats what his girlfriend/wife says – depending on which YOU are!)

2. Theyre at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)

3. Theyre enthusiastic about our bodies, even when were not. (Yeh, dontcha love it when they say you look great. . .just dont get over 200 lbs!!)

4. Theyre beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)

5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And dont be shocked if it is their wife. . .you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now its better than ever OR. . .yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but lets not let that interfere with us!!)

6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isnt back hair!!!)

7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew – among others – do not have that particular instinct!)

8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) Thats when our female phrase WHAT a WASTE!!! comes in handy!!

9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)

10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)

11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]

12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)

13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)

14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesnt remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)

15. They dont mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I aint touchin that one cuz I know people with limos!!)

16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money – ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)

17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills – jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some dont. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I dont even want to LEARN that stuff and dont blame them if THEY dont!!)

18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)

19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .dont get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)

20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)

21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)

22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)

23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)

24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)

25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)

26. They can make great sex partners (CAN is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)

27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet I love you Princess is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)

28. Though they often try to hide it, theyre very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair – there ARE moments. . .)

29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we dont want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)

30. They dont care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)

31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get – the harder to train!!!)

32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)