Old and New Jokes

What would Obi Wan say to his noisy sons.



Obi quiet.

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmers soul the preacher asked the man, Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, Naw, these are soybeans.

You dont understand, said the preacher. Are you a Christian?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, Are you lost?

Naw! Ive lived here all my life, answered the farmer.

Are you prepared for the resurrection? the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmers attention and he asked, Whens it gonna be?

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, Well, dont mention it to my wife. She dont get out much and shell wanna go all three days.

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ? A. Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?

A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?

A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?

A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?

A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: None. They cant turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,

000.

Q: How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?

A: B-

52…F-

16…A-10

Q: What is Iraqs national bird ?

A: Duck

Q: Whats the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ?

A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?

A: He elected to receive.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?

A: They need a map….

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasnt there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

What are you doing! she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

Im blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car explained the first blonde.

Well silly, its not going to work replied her neighbor.

Why not? asked the first blonde.

Because youve got to roll up the windows first

A2: She didnt like it because she couldnt get MTV.

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.

Felix! he exclaimed one day, Were going to be rich! Im going to teach you how to fly!

Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: I cant fly, you idiot… Im a frog, not a canary!

Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. Im sending you to class.

So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication… but nothing about flying.

On the first day of flying lessons, Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor.

After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.

Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. He just doesnt understand how important this is… thought Clarence, but I wont let nay-sayers get in my way.

So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud.)

Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs. And with that, he threw Felix out the window.

(THUD)

On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy: stalling, he asked for a delay in the project until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable.

But Clarence was ready for him: he produced a timeline and pointed to the third milestone and asked, You dont want to slip the schedule do you?

From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow… so he just said: OK. Lets go. And out the window he went.

(THUD)

Now this is not to say that Felix wasnt trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think Superman thoughts.

But try as he might, he couldnt fly.

By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy… he simply looked at Clarence and said: You know youre killing me, dont you?

Clarence pointed out that Felixs performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him.

With that, Felix said quietly: Shut up and open the window, and he leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building.

And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.

Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didnt even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement… nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to Fall smarter, not harder.

The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong.

After much thought, Clarence smiled and said: Next time… Im getting a smarter frog!

Had this been a Project in corporate America the results would have been as follows:

Clarence was promoted and given a well earned bonus. Although the project failed, Clarence demonstrated that the test subject remained airborne longer and traveled farther with each attempt; thereby, proving that his innovation and workplan were flawless. Therefore, the failure of the project was obviously due to the lack of commitment and follow-through on the part of Felix.

His failure to meet the objectives and lack of team spirit, as shown by his inability to complete all the assigned test flights, were duly noted in Felixs final Performance Review. He was then terminated, without benefits, for not meeting the minimum performance standards.

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. Its $5 if youll make your own bed.

Guest: Ill make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. Ill get you some nails and wood.

M: I know how to please a woman.

W: Then please leave me alone.

M: I want to give myself to you.

W: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.

M: Your hair color is fabulous.

W: Thank you. Its on aisle three at the corner drug store.

M: You look like a dream.

W: Go back to sleep.

M: I can tell that you want me.

W: Yes, I want you to leave.

M: Hey, baby, whats your sign?

W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

M: Your body is like a temple.

W: Sorry, there are no services today.

M: Is this seat empty?

W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

M: Whats it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

W: Whats it like being the biggest liar in the world?

M: Havent I seen you someplace before?

W: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.The son was so overcome with grief that he didnt remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

A small town in Texas suffered from a severe drought that lasted for almost thirty years.

When it finally did rain, it was just a brief shower. One of the towns residents was outside and when the rain fell on him it was such a shock that he fainted…

They had to throw two buckets of dust in his face to bring him to.