Old and New Jokes

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?

Burger King showed her its Whopper.

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married. Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy – youre dead. Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy

Too much beer and you get fat. Toom much pussy and it makes you poor. Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five! Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.

Its a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if theyve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddys current wife in high school.

Youre moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry! she said, Stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.

Whats this, honey? the husband inquired as he entered the room.

Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly.

The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here, he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Carrot!
Carrot who?
Carrot me back home!

Peters Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence.

One day the Little Rascals were in class and the teacher says they were
going to have a spelling bee. She calls on Spankey. Spankey can you
spell Dictate?

He goes D-i-c-k- She goes No.

Then she goes on, Alfalfa can you spell Dictate?
Alfalfa says D-i-c-t-a-e- She goes No.

Then she
calls on Buckwheat. Buckwheat can you spell Dictate?

Buckwheat says D-i-c-t-a-t-e.

The teacher says Very good, now can you put that in a sentence?

Buckwheat replies Darla how did my Dictate last night?

They irritate the shit out of you.

None, Californians dont screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

There is only one way to kill capitalism: taxes, taxes, and more
taxes.