A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimers disease.
Man: Thats great. I was afraid I had cancer!
Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
Q: Whats the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you cant understand.
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: Ones a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the others just a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: Ones slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
En la escuela, en la clase de Matemáticas, el profesor le pregunta a Pepito:
Si una mujer limpia una casa en una hora, ¿qué tiempo durarán dos mujeres para limpiar la misma casa?
Tres horas, dice Pepito, muy seguro de su respuesta.
¡Pero cómo va a ser!, la respuesta es media hora dice el maestro. ¿De dónde sacas tres horas?
Pepito le dice: Ud. puede saber mucho de Matemáticas, pero no sabe lo que hablan dos mujeres cuando se juntan.
Buscando un regalo de aniversario de matrimonio para su esposo, una mujer decide comprar unos calzoncillos. Asà que fue a la sección de ropa interior de hombres de un almacén, que era atendida por un afeminado.
Buenas tardes, necesito un par de calzoncillos para mi marido.
¿Qué talla es su marido?, pregunta el encargado con voz aflautada.
No sé muy bien qué talla es, responde confundida la señora.
¿Su marido lo tiene as�, pregunta el afeminado al tiempo que le muestra un dedo de su mano.
Mmm, no, lo tiene un poco más gordo.
¿Su marido lo tiene as�, vuelve a preguntar mostrándole dos dedos juntos.
SÃ, asà lo tiene mi marido.
El afeminado mete sus dos dedos en su boca y asegura:
Su esposo es talla L.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Why is Stevie Wonder always Smiling?
Because he doesnt know hes black
A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.
Oh no! cried the brunette. Is he following me?
Yep, replied the blonde.
Im going to drive down this little side road, okay? said the brunette.
Yep, replied the blonde.
Is the cop still following me?
Yep.
Is his lights on?
Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope…
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, thats not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasnt so lucky, and the male bear
reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
Hes in THAT one! cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friends family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. What did you do that for! exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other! Exactly, replied the sheriff, and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?