Old and New Jokes

why did three blondes jump off a cliff?

they wanted to see if there maxie-pads really had wings!!!

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.The mother is so thrilled that she cant stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing.Her daughter says, Mom, I got married.Oy, mazel tov, says the mother. How could you do that without telling me? Whats he like? What does he do? Where is he?Hes waiting outside on the porch while I tell you. said the daughter. What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law.The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, Dummy! Stupid! Idiot … I said a RICH doctor!

Because they´re afraid of Wales.

Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a Honk if you really love Jesus bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and Im really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didnt notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, Jesus Christ! as loud as he could.

Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, Go, Jesus Christ, Go!

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. Its a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,

Grandma

The fence

The first said, My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.The second said, Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.The third said, Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while its still going.

A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several
years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask
them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original,
he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he
ever got was the following:

Him: So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?

Driver: Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes
and I want to be there when it happens.

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her,

Theres one thing I want you to know. Theres a box under my bed, and I dont want you to look in it until I die.

Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it.

She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.

When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, Well, those are for all the times Ive cheated on you.

Hillary said, Well, thats not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all.

She was about to leave, but then she said, Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?

Bill replied, Thats for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church.

Why? Whos going to stop me? Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers!

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping