Blame storming – sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Beepilepsy – The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid sentence.
Cube farm – an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing – scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for references to ones own name.
Prairie dogging – something loud happens in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.
Idea hamsters – people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato – the on-line generations answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond – that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize youve just made a big mistake.
SITCOM – stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy – a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.
Dilberted – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. Ive been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.
CGI Joe – A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome – Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now Ive got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.
Under Mouse Arrest – Getting busted for violating an on-line services code of conduct. Sorry I couldnt get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.
Glazing – Corporate speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early morning meetings. Didnt he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?
Dead Tree Edition – The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…
Graybar Land – The place you go while youre staring at a computer thats processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering.
Open Collar Workers – People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird – To transmit a signal up to a satellite. Crew and talent are ready…what time do we squirt the bird?
Cobweb Site – A World Wide Web Site that hasnt been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
Its a Feature – From the adage Its not a bug, its a feature. Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque – The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.
Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. Ask Larry, hes the alpha geek around here.
Adminisphere – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter – Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant – an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
404 – someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found, meaning the requested document couldnt be located. Dont bother asking him, hes 404.
Elvis year – the peak year of somethings popularity, Barney the dinosaurs Elvis year was 1993.
Follow them everywhere.
Moo when they say your name.
Pretend to have amnesia.
Say everything backwards.
Give yourself a swirly.
Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, The sun!!! Its dying!!!
Run into walls.
Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house in your underwear (or naked for that matter).
Have nervous breakdowns at spontaneous times.
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
Pretend to worship the devil.
Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a HUGE grin on your face and yell, Good morning sunshine!!!
Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder.
Run in circles.
Recite a whole movie 3 times.
Pretend to beat yourself up.
Pluck someones hair out and yell, DNA!!!
Slither everywhere.
Wear a sticker that says, im a retard!!!
Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist … tell them youre making a fashion statement.
Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way.
Super glue your finger up your nose.
Talk to a pen. for that matter name it and call it your pet
Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to ALL the time.
Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe.
Try and climb the wall.
Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly.
Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead … say youre a lovely unicorn.
In public yell, No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!!
Make weird animals noises at night, and when them come to see whats wrong, pretend like youre asleep and nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Do what they tell you to do.
Switch the light button on and off for a while. Then say, Ooooh … I get it!!!
Eat your hair.
Tell them whatever theyre eating looks like a certain animal.
Eat anything obviously not edible.
Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house.
Hold their hand and whisper to them, i see dead people …
When you shower or bathe yell, im drowning!!!
Try to snorkel in your fish tank.
Ask them quietly, Pardon me but do you have any … then yell, SHOELACES!!!
Chase an imaginary tail.
Demand your own area code.
At everything they say yell, Liar!!!
Pretend to be 326 years old.
Hang upside down in your closet.
Pretend to be a phone.
Try to swim in the floor.
Tap on their door all night.
Pretend to have multiple personalities.
Be yourself.
Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!Dancer took a bust
For a DUI
Prancer got possession
And now he’s doing life
Missis Clause is mad
I stayed out all last night
And now she’s getting a divorce
Because of this day’s fight Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!The cops here really stink
They don’t know who I am
Got busted for doing sixty
In a fifty five
The Missis is a bitch
She won the divorce
And now I have to walk because
She got herself the sleighJingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!All the elves they suck
Bunch a little pricks
Cannot make a descent toy
That won’t take out my eye
I drank some sour milk
And poisoned cookies too
So I beat the living crap
Out of that punk kid.Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!
There was a momma tomato, a papa tomato and a baby tomato. They were walking in the park, and baby tomato started falling behind. So papa tomato walked to beby tomato and BAM!!! KETCHUP!!! (CATCH UP!!!)
Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 … Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, Where is God?
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is God?
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is God?
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, We are in BIG trouble!
The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIG trouble?
His brother replied, God is missing and they think we did it.
Érase una pareja que no podÃa tener relaciones sexuales porque siempre los miraban los padres de la novia cuando estaban en la sala. Entonces, idearon un sistema para comunicarse con otros términos para poder hablar tranquilos y hacer sus peticiones. Un dÃa, el novio le dice a la novia:
Ocupo que me hagás un favor: que me prestés la máquina de escribir para hacer una carta.
No puedo, está mala. Está con tinta roja, responde la chica.
Y pasaron los dÃas, y ella le dice:
Ya te puedo prestar la máquina de escribir, ya está buena.
Gracias, mi amor, ya la hice a mano, responde el chico.
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, Give me six double vodkas.
The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.
Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?
Yeah, my wife…
Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesnt look like an elephant.
Dont call an elephant, he may come!
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. Damn, says the ant, one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!
Tourist guide at zoo: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please dont stand near the elephants backside…. Madam, PLEASE dont stand near the elephants backside … MADAM … MADAM …, too late; George, dig her out.
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. Its done on a very high level. Theres a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isnt it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly