Old and New Jokes

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to save America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, Well Bill, the Republicans arent to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, well think about it.

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest nights work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Heres the deal. Im giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we wont pass it.

But what if I get a 12? Bill asks. And Bob replies, You get to roll again.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

Va un avión pasando por la Amazonica cuando le ocurre un desperfecto técnico y tiene que hacer un aterrizaje de emergencia del cuál sólo sobrevive uno.

El sobreviviente recoge lo que le pueda servir para poder pasar la selva y empieza a caminar cuando de pronto se encuentra a una tribu de indígenas. El hombre ve a un indio grande con muchas plumas en la cabeza y se le acerca y empieza a decirle:

Yo venir en pajaro de hierro, hombre blanco venir en son de paz, yo traer cosas extrañas para la tribu, yo ser bueno, ¿tú entender?

El jefe de la tribu se le acerca, lo mira extrañado y le dice:

Chico, yo te entiendo, lo que no comprendo es por qué me hablas así como Tarzán.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…

(especially when you share the same major!)



PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.



SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.



RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses G-d



ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.



THEATRE: OH MY G-D! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!



BIOLOGY: You just wanted to get in my genes!



PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.



JOURNALISM: Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…



WOMENS STUDIES: HE did it!



BUSINESS: Both decide that theyre spending way too much money together, and that its simply cheaper to be single.



HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.



GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.



ANATOMY: I never liked your body anyway.



ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.



ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesnt really say anything substantively intelligible.



EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.



COMPUTING: Man, this bytes — we just couldnt interface and/or His hard drive was more like a floppy.



E. ENGINEER: Its just so shocking… Im sure there are positives and negatives, but…



ARCHITECTURE: There just wasnt much to build on anyway…



JEWISH STUDIES: OY! You should feel so guilty!



PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and theres no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?



ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.



PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.



CHEMISTRY: It was just the wrong chemistry between us…



COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, Get help!



MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.



LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

198. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, thats where youre supposed to wash vegetables!

A: Proofreading.

* Reading, Pa., county controller Judith Kraines complained at a commissioners meeting in January about having to type letters and do other business on a typewriter because her computer was old and no one had been able to get it to work for two years.

If we had a computer, she said, letters would go out faster.

Three days later, she announced that the computer she was complaining about in fact had not been plugged in to any electrical outlet and that when the plug was inserted and the computer was turned on, it worked fine.

[Reading Eagle-Times, 1-21-96]