Learn how to talk southern

Write down on a peice of paper:

M R ducks

M R not


C M wangs


M R ducks

Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:

em are ducks

em are not

oh es ey are

see em wangs

ell ill be

em are ducks


Twas the day after Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting – even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said U.S. POSTMAN.

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

Now Dillards, now Broadways, now Pennys and Sears
Heres Levitzs and Targets and Mervyns – all here!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,


If You Love Something….

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!


Another miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?

The mother says, It’s my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,

she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and

says, Well, I don’t know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant –

about 4 months would be my guess.

The mother says, Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left

alone with a man! Have you Darla?

Darla says, No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, Is there something

wrong out there doctor?

The doctor replies, No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything

like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came

over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!


Wear A Condom

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?

A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.


britney spears

Jay Leno monologue, It seems the principal of a Cincinnati school has sent a letter to parents — sent a letter home to parents, rather — regarding allegations that a fifth grade class was swapping sex for soda money. Trading sex for soda. So apparently that new Britney Spears Pepsi ads are really working. How creepy is that? Actually, a novel written by Britney Spears and her mother was released today. Its called A Mothers Gift. And if youve ever seen Britney in a tube top, i think what you know what the gift is.


A true story about Saskatchewan

A Canadian was observing teaching methods in schools in several African countries.

In one, she found the children doing a science lesson, timing the swing of a pendulum. The lesson had evidently been prepared in the US as the children were counting Mississippi one, Mississippi two, Mississippi three …

After the lesson the Canadian gave a talk and mentioned that if children in her country were doing this experiment, they would probably use a Canadian word like Saskatchewan to do the timing.

The next day, the Canadian happened to drop in on the class and found them still timing the pendulums swing, but today they were counting Saskatche one, Saskatche two …


At the Bull acution.

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,

See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband, Hey, thats some 10 times a month.

What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,

Thats once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, Sure, once a day!

But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!


Making amends for IRS sins

From Rick Marshall, pastor of Crossroads Bible Church, San Jose:

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing
my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a
man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have
cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income,
and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still cant sleep, I will send the rest.


Nice Parrot

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. Did you like the parrot? he asked her.

Oh yes, she replied. It was delicious.

WHAT! the man cried. You ate it? That parrot wasnt for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!

The mother paused for a moment and then said, So why didnt he say something?

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