14
Nov

Forgiveness

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park together when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the two men start to sexually assault them.Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, Forgive him Lord, he knows not what he is doing!Mary Elizabeth turns and says, Mine does…

14
Nov

Cleft palate (offensive …)

A man was travelling from Cape Town to Johannesburg when he stopped for a young hitchhiker somewhere in the middle of the Karoo. It happened that the youngster had a cleft palate and thus spoke somewhat nasally. The motorist naturally felt very sorry for the young man.

After driving for an hour or so with very little conversation between them, the man pulled off for a roadside lunch. He opened his picnic basket and offered the youngster some of his sandwiches.

Thank you, Thir, but becauth of my problem I cannot eat anything that may cauth crumbth to enter my palate, he replied. The man felt he couldnt eat either under the circumstances and opened his thermoflask of coffee.

Would you like some coffee, son? he asked. Thank you, yeth Thir, but becauth of my problem you will have to help me. I cannot drink anything that will end up in my palate, tho have to take it anally by means of thith thpecial funnel.

The obliging motorist, feeling very sorry for the poor chappie, agreed. The youngster pulled down his pants, bent over and inserted the funnel. The man slowly poured some coffee down the funnel. The youngster however jumped up, saying Ouch!!.

Sorry Son, was it too hot?

No Thir, no sugar!

14
Nov

Yo momma so ugly

Yo momma so ugly that people made a movie when she was in the shower called Gorillas In The Mist!

14
Nov

Quality, not quantity

Three factory workers were needling a shy co-worker who just returned from his honeymoon.

They each bragged about how many times theyd had sex on their honeymoon.

One said five times, another said seven and a real mach jock claimed hed done it ten times. Punching the shy guy in the chest, he demanded to know how many times he did it.

Blushing and hesitant he answered, We only did it once. My wife wasnt used to it.

14
Nov

Why bikes are better than women!

1. Bicycles dont pregnant.

2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

3. Bicycles dont have parents.

4. Bicycles dont whine unless something is really wrong.

5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.

6. Bicycles dont care how many other bicycles youve ridden.

7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

8. Bicycles dont care how many other bicycles you have now.

9. Bicycles dont care if you look at other bicycles.

10. Bicycles dont care if you buy bicycle magazines.

11. Youll never hear, Suprise, youre goning to own a new bicycle unless you go out and buy one yourself.

12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you dont have to discuss politics with it.

15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

16. You dont have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you dont have to apologize before you ride it again.

18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.

19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.

20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

21. Bicycles dont get headaches.

22. Bicycles dont insult you if youre a bad rider.

23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.

24. Bicycles dont care if youre late.

25. You dont have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

26. If your bicycle doesnt look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

14
Nov

Joke Written By and For Retards

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but cant find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

14
Nov

Adam Needs an Eve

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem.

Whats the problem, Adam?, God replies.

Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but Im just not happy

Why is that, Adam?, comes the reply from the heavens.

Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.

Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you.

Whats a woman, Lord?

This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you., replies the heavenly voice.

Sounds great.

She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.

How much will this woman cost me Lord?, Adam replies.

Shell cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?

The rest, as they say, is history.

14
Nov

U.S. Presidents on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts, Women and children first.

Nixon goes, Fuck the women.

Clinton replies, Do you think we have time?

14
Nov

Playing with telemarketers

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

ME: Is this AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: Is this AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: The phone company.

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We arent selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, thats 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, thats right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?

AT&T: Thats right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! Thats amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: Thats quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, its amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said youd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. Im just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didnt mean wed be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that youll give me 10 cents a minute, that Ill give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? Ive read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Sir, I dont think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?

ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This A T &T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to

get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, Ill transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering – do you have that Friends and Family

thing because Im an only child and Id really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: click……..

14
Nov

The battle of the molecules

Austin, Texas – Nothings too small for politicians to debate. Even molecules. Rep. Scott Hochberg, D-Houston, apparently thought his idea of making Rice Universitys Nobel Prize-winning buckyball the official Texas molecule would glide through the Legislature unopposed.

But Hochberg, a Rice alum and an electrical engineer tutored in the arguments of science, should have known better.

University of Texas chemist Jonathan Sessler has another candidate for the Texas title: his Texaphyrin, a 9-year-old, engineered molecule undergoing tests as a delivery system for anti-cancer drugs.

For one thing, Sessler says buckyballs – the whimsically nicknamed form of carbon discovered by Rice chemists Rick Smalley and Robert Curl – belong to nature and, therefore, arent specifically Texan. Sessler, on the other hand, designed his Texaphyrin, for which a patent is pending, in the shape of a two-dimensional Frisbee with a five-point Lone Star in the middle of it.

The buckyball is like the Hope diamond, Sessler said. The scientists picked it up and polished it. But thats a very different kind of beauty than the Sistine Chapel, which came out of a persons brain and hand.

Source: Houston Chronicle