11
Sep

Kids instructions on life

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so youll be dressed in the morning.

Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Rosemary, Age 7

Dont flush the toilet when you dads in the shower.

Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Nicholas, Age 11

Dont ever be too full for dessert.

Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? dont answer him.

Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diets not working.

Michael, Age 14

Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat.

Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when shes on the phone.

Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.

Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.

Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like its moving.

Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that youre not going to do what your mom told you to do.

Hank, Age 12

Remember youre never too old to hold your fathers hand.

Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.

Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.

Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.

Cynthia, Age 8

11
Sep

Who has got the longest penis?

A man goes into an empty bar and orders a beer, and as hes walking around he sees a table about 6 x 4 with some lines marked 6-10 from one edge.

Next to each line there are initials. So the man says to the bartender What are all those marks on that table?

Its a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them a far as they can and mark a line.

This man is hung like a horse and reckons he can beat all the lines hes seen and asks if he can have a go, sure came the reply.

As he pulled out his dick its a clear winner by about 3. He starts to mark his line down when the bartender said: No mate, the locals start from the other side

11
Sep

Blondes Helicopter Lessons

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane. The guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying lessons this year but she could take helicopter lessons. The blonde agreed and the man taught her and said, "Ill radio you every 1000 feet you go in the air." The blonde agreed.

He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped and she started twirling to the ground. When she landed, he went over to pull her out of the helicopter. He asked her what went wrong because she was doing perfect before. The blonde said, At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I turned the big fan off.

11
Sep

Ed zachary disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all your crose.

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. Again,

The woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. So

she did..

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, Your probrem vewy bad. You

haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.

11
Sep

Bubba

Bubba, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Bubba if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Bubba asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with BettyJo, his wife (and first cousin). In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, Okay, Ill paint ya nekkid, but Ill have ta leave my socks on, sos I can have sumplace to wipe my brushes…

11
Sep

Viagra and prune juice diet

The Doctor put
me on a diet of Viagra and Prune juice, but I had to give it up. I never
knew if I was coming or going!

~ Rodney Dangerfield

11
Sep

One-Liners of Women for Men

Q: Why did God give men penises?

A: So wed have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?

A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q: Whats worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A: A woman that wont do what shes told.

Q: Whats it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

A: Marriage.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?

A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: What are the small bumps around a womans nipples for?

A: Its Braille for suck here.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesnt?

A: Her navel.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?

A: They want to.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick.

Q: Whats a wife?

A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: Why do women have tits?

A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A: They cant stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q: Whats six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?

A: Money.

Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: Why do women have periods?

A: They deserve them.

Q: Why did God make man first?

A: He didnt want a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why was the woman crossing the road?

A: Who cares! Whats she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q: Whats the difference between your wife and your job?

A: After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q: Why cant you trust woman?

A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesnt die.

11
Sep

an ARCH-conservative

an ARCH-conservative

11
Sep

New Languages

(I saw a request on the net a while back that I think was referring to
this article or a similar one. I first saw it in late 1984 or early
1985 so it is a little dated, but I think it still has some humor.
My copy has no copyright notices and attributes the original to the
APL SIG newsletter. I believe my copy came from a DECUS newsletter
or magazine. This is a verbatim copy from my photocopy of the original.)

Languages NOT included in the Commercial Language SIG
or the Languages and Tools SIG

by
Doug Bohrer
Bohrer and Company
Near Chicago
and
Ted A. Bear
NCA Corporation
In the heart of Silicon Valley
and
A Usually Reliable Source
Digital Equipment Corporation
Somewhere in New England

APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG… these programming languages
are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer industry.
There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet
still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these
obscure languages–and why they are obscure–we present the following
catalogue.

C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best
described as a low-level programming language. In general, the language
requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to execute a
given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.

DOGO

Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training). DOGO
heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT,
HEEL, STAY, PLAY_DEAD and ROLL_OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is
puppy graphics, a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves deposits
as it travels across the screen.

FIFTH

FIFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data types refer to
quantities. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH
(hence the name of the language), LITER MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer
to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA,
SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD, EVERCLEAR and WHAT_EVERS_AROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its user. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP,
LAFITE and WAITERS_RECOMMENDATION. The GUTTER dialect commands include
THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSE_RED. The GUTTER dialect is a particular
favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.

LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for Tai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the
more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while
they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the
center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and
non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For
example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message:
I hate to bother you, but i just cant relate to that.
can you find the time to try it again?

LITHP

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an
S in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute TH. LITHP
is said to be useful prothething litht. This language was developed in San
Francisco.

REAGAN

This language was also developed in California, but is now widely used in
Washington D.C. It is the current subset of the international bureaucratic
language known as DOUBLESPEAK. Commands include REVENUE_ENHANCEMENT,
STOCKMAN, CAP_WEINBERGER, MALCOMB_BALDRIDGE, CABINET, CHOP_WOOD, LAXALT and
SCENERIO. WATT and BURFORD have been removed from the commands while there
is a current effort to add MEESE.

The operating system used is NEW_RIGHT and the designated memory is
THE_RANCH. The compile SCENERIO is a compile with NANCY followed by a link
with BONZO resulting in a SNOOZE. COMMIES (program bugs) are removed with
the GRENADA command.

A REAGAN program commences with LANDSLIDE and terminates with SENILITY.

RENE

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes,
RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being
developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a
grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language
as Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours.

The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost
succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
exist.

SATRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SATRE is an extremely
unstructured language. Statements in SATRE have no purpose; they just are.
Thus SATRE programs are left to define their own functions. SATRE
programmers tend to be boring and depressing and are no fun at parties.

SIMPLE

SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming Linguistic
Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College for Technological
Misfists, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in
it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No
matter how you arrange the statements, you cant make a syntax error.

SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best know for the speed, or the lack of it, of the compiler.
Although may compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
the SLOBOL compiler allows you to travel to Columbia to pick the coffee.
Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their
terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile.

VALGOL

From its modest beginnings in Southern Californias San Fernando Valley,
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y*KNOW. Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and +TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the
California Booleans, AX and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FOR –
SURE loops.

Here is a sample program:

LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
THEN

FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH – (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE

LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL

VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when
the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:

GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!

10
Sep

Tres parejas, una de adultos

Tres parejas, una de adultos cincuentones, otra de cuarentones y una joven pareja de veintitantos, querían unirse a su nueva parroquia. El cura les dijo que tenían que cumplir con una condición especial para hacerlo:

Ustedes deben abstenerse de tener sexo por 2 semanas.

Las tres parejas estuvieron de acuerdo y volvieron luego de las dos semanas.

El sacerdote fue con la pareja mayor y les preguntó:

¿Fueron capaces de abstenerse del sexo por estas dos semanas?

¡Pero por supuesto, padre!

¡Felicitaciones y bienvenidos a la parroquia!

Luego se dirigió a la segunda pareja:

¿Fueron capaces de abstenerse del sexo por estas dos semanas?

Y el cuarentón contestó:

En realidad, la primera semana no tuvimos ningún problema, pero la segunda semana tuve que dormir en el auto un par de noches, pero lo logramos.

¡Felicitaciones y bienvenidos a la parroquia!

El clérigo se dirigió a la joven pareja:

¿Fueron capaces de abstenerse del sexo por estas dos semanas?

Bueno, padre, la verdad es que no lo logramos.

¿Qué pasó?, inquiere el religioso exaltado.

Mi mujer estaba alcanzando una lata de atún de una repisa de más arriba, pero se le tiró, cuando se inclinó para recogerla, no me pude aguantar, me volví un animal y me aproveché de ella.

¿Ustedes entienden que ahora no son bienvenidos en la parroquia?, dijo el cura con tono solemne.

Sí padre, no hay problema… ¡total, ahora tampoco somos bienvenidos en el supermercado!

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