You almost got me Kilt!

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, How much
to replace this, Ian? The proprietor says, Why, Angus, thatll be four pence.
Then the Scotsman asks, How much to repair? The prop. looks the condom over
carefully, and says, Three pence to repair. The Scotsman ponders for a moment,
then says, Ill be back.

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says,
Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!

–Bilbo Baggins


The cost of living:

A little boy asked his father Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.


Wal-Mart Bait

A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesnt know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, Excuse me sir … can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, Maam, Im blind, but if youll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it. She didnt believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, Thats a 6 graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line … Its a good all-around rod and reel, and its $20. She says, Its amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think its what Im looking for, so Ill take it. He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, shes embarrassed but then realizes that theres no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldnt know she was the only person there. He rings up the sale and says, That will be $25.50. She says, But didnt you say it was $20? He says, Yes maam, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart.


White House news release!

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their partys political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.


Four Parachutes

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 Passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said Im Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I cant afford to die so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world, so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old and frail and I dont have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.
The boy scout said Its Ok, theres a parachute left for you. The worlds smartest woman took my backpack.


Appl. to live in West Virginia


Name:______________ Nickname:____________ CB Handle:____________

Address: (RFD):_________________________________________________

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________


Neck Shade: [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
[] Gun Rack [] 4-Wheel Drive [] Confederate Flag [] Toothpick Holder
[] 8-Track [] Load of Wood [] Hijacker Shocks [] Mud-grip Tires
[] Big Dog [] Racoon Hide [] Dual CB Antenna [] Fuzz Buster
[] Spitoon [] Camper Top [] Mag Wheels [] Air Horns
[] Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
[] Eat More Possum [] Peanut Butter [] Honk if You Love Jesus
[] Wave if Youre Horny [] Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
[] Grits [] Muscadine [] Cobbler [] Tater
[] Goobers [] Brogans [] Fatback [] Pig Skins
[] Collards [] Redeye Gravy [] Tote [] Pinto Beans
[] Sidemeat [] Sawmill Gravy [] Poke [] Turnip Salit
[] Chitlins [] Soppin Syrup [] Cracker [] Shit-on-Shingle
[] Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
[] Donna Fargo [] Conway Twitty [] Loretta Lynn [] Hank Williams
[] Elvis [] Slim Whitman [] Tammy Wynette [] Porter Wagoner
[] Johnny Cash [] Willie Nelson [] George Jones [] Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
[] Square Dancin [] Possum Huntin [] Skinny Dippin
[] Craw Daddin [] Gospel Singin [] 4-Wheelin
[] Drankin [] Bull Chip Throwin [] Blue Grass Conventions
[] Spitten backy [] Other

Weapons Owned:
[] Deer Rifle [] Bird Gun [] Varmit Rifle [] Sawed-off Shotgun
[] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Black & Tan [] Beagle

Emblem: [] John Deere [] CAT [] Budweiser [] McCullock Chain Saw
[] PBR [] NAPA [] Coors [] Skoals

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____
Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______

[] KKK [] NRA [] Moose [] PTL Club [] VFW [] American Legion
[] Bass Club [] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front

Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia with a measurable

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
[] Sister [] Cousin [] Sow Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
[] BO [] Crabs [] Head Lice [] Bad Breath
[] Scabies [] Trench Mouth [] Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______


Reasons why to stop writing a paper and go to bed

After three cups of coffee I cant stop singing that Bonanza song (this part, sadly, has really happened)
Elvis just delivered the morning paper
My paper is 23 pages of All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy.
I have to go to bed so I can be rested when I get up in 20 minutes
What good is an edjucations, anyway
Did I write that?
Hmm… Europe would be nice this time of year
Ive failed myself as a journalist because I dont like Edward Murrow. I might as well quit while Im ahead
Then again, I at least I dont look like Ed Murrow
Where is Europe?


Tee hee. how long has this been circulating?

Im doing the internet a disservice by redistributing this note. The net
could do to lose a few gazillion newbies.

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 1996 22:46:56 EST
From: Frank M. Lanzafame <flanzafame@ECKERT.ACADCOMP.MONROECC.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list CHEMED-L <CHEMED-L@uwf.cc.uwf.edu>
Subject: Internet Downtime

*** Attention ***

Its that time again!

As many of you know, each leap year the Internet must be shut down for 24
hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for
a better-working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on
Feb. 29 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on March 1. During that 24-hour period,
five powerful Internet-crawling robots situated around the world will
search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do
the following:

Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet
Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.
Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users,
and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will
be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the
Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of
Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the
public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where
your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other
sysops and Internet users as well. Thank you.

——- End of Forwarded Message


Jay Walkin

so there is this guy crossin the street.when suddenly he notices a car bearing down on him. the man jumps left, and the car swerves left, he jumps right the car swerves right, at the last moment the man panics and freezes.the car locks the brakes slides sideways right up to the man and lurches to a halt. just then the drivers window rolls down. a squirrel sticks his head out the window and says Its fucked up isnt it


A man goes into his