11
Nov

Rectum stretcher

While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed
over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, Whats
your hurry?

To which she replied, Im late for work.

Oh yeah, said the cop, what do you do?

Im a rectum stretcher, she responded.

The cop stammered, A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?

Well, she said, I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until its about 6 feet wide.

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? he asked.

You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!

11
Nov

The facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.

Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont want to have to come back.

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.

Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that.

Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office. Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks.

Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.

Whats wrong? asks the doctor.

Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.

Lady, the doctor retorts, those arent bags, those are your tits. And if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!

11
Nov

Six again

A man asked his wife what shed like for her birthday. Id love to be six again, she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of

the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonalds they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly, asked, Well, dear, what was it like being six again?

One eye opened. You idiot, I meant my dress size.

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, hes still gonna get it wrong.

11
Nov

How not to lose your partner

Heres a tip for those of you who dont want their partner to leave them.

While they are asleep, put a few nicorette patches (nicotine patches for people trying to give up smoking) on their arm. Remove them before they wake up.

Keep doing this for a while until they are up to the equivalent of about 60 cigarettes a day.

Then, if they should ever leave you theyll get such awful cravings that theyll think they must still love you and come back.

11
Nov

Big Mike

Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a saloon. He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting, Run for your lives! Big Mikes comin! The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door. Suddenly, the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull. Grabbing the drifter by the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, Gimme a drink! The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. Can I, ah, get you another, sir? the drifter stammered. Naw, I gotta git, the man grunted. Big Mikes comin.

11
Nov

Blind date going bad

The blind date hadnt been all that great and she was happy the nite was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said Hey! You wantta see my underwear?

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasnt wearing any.

She glanced down and said, Nice pattern. But does it also come in mens sizes?

11
Nov

Diary of an AOL user

Diary of an AOL User.

July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. Ive heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! Id
better hold onto it incase they dont ever send me anther one! I
cant connect. I dont know what is wrong.

July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldnt figure out where it goes. It
wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.

July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still dont work. I cant get online.

July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. Hes so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says thats just another service. What a modest kid. Hes so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway hes smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didnt even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didnt know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 – Whats the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. Im confused.

July 27 – The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe hes not so modest after all.

July 28 – I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 – I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because Im
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 – These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 – I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDNT THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDNT WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DONT NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.

AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDNT HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited.
Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.

August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked
but I cant find that group.

August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
hes laughing so hard he cant eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
dont know why the rec.humor group didnt like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. Im also going to add that
short story I like.

August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so dumb.

11
Nov

Different ways to get your male roommate to bug off

Get him laid. Thats what he really needs. He will stop paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else.

Use the direct approach. When he comes in, say, Im doing homework now. Can I talk to you later?. If thats too polite, say Go away now. Im doing homework.

Use the bad cat approach. Purchase a high-powered squirt gun. Whenever he does something like that, say Im doing my homework. Anyone interrupting me will be wet. Then, blast away. Hes been warned. Ive discovered that this is an excellent way to keep my cat from scratching the furniture. I yelled at him and moved him until I realized that he was doing it for attention. After I squirted him three different times, he stopped permanently. Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly.

Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, the Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow. Turn it on and play it really loud when you dont want to be interrupted.

Set a small bear trap near the door. Cover it with a towel.

11
Nov

Ring Those Bells

A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. You have no arms! No matter, said the man, Observe! He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the mans side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, Bishop, who was this man? I dont know his name, the bishop sadly replied, but his face rings a bell. But wait…theres more!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now theres a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty. The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless mans brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishops cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. What has happened? the first asked breathlessly, Who is this man? I dont know his name, sighed the distraught bishop, but hes a dead ringer for his brother!

11
Nov

Fishy

A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."

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