19
May

Tommy Lee and Saddam Hussein

What do Tommy Lee and Saddam Hussein have in common?

Theyre both well hung!

(A JakesJokes.com original…)

19
May

The gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweethearts birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he went to Nordstroms and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

19
May

Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?

A: (Screaming) I said: Im drunk!

19
May

Lawyer Joke

A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

He looks like hed be a pretty good attack dog, said the buyer.

Well, hes not bad, replied the owner, but I have something better in mind for you.

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

Ah, said the buyer, This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.

Well, no. said the owner. I have something better in mind for you.

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

This is the dog I had in mind for you, said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted.

Youre joking! he exclaimed.

This dog seems quite tame; he doesnt act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, hes just lying there, licking his butt!

I know, I know, said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and hes trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

19
May

Man comes home after bad day at the office.

A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife
has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and
he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says,

Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?

Oh, I dont know. You got your hair done.

Nope, try again.

Oh, uh, you bought a new dress.

Nope, keep trying.

You got your nails done.

Nope, try again.

I give up, Im too tired to play 20 questions.

Im wearing a gas mask!

19
May

The TRUE Space Race

Americans and Russians were competing who would go to the moon and build more on it. The minister comes to the American president: Mister President, the Russians have already launched their spaceship!
President: Yes, yes, let them! A few days later: Mister President, the Russians have already landed on the moon!
President: Yes, yes, calm down! In a week: Mister President, its the Russians, the started painting the moon red!
President: Thats fine, just fine! In a month: Mister President, the Russians have painted half the moon red, wed better do something too!!
President: No, no, dont worry! In two months: Mister President, the Russians have finished painting the moon, the whole moon is red now!!
President: Thats great, now send our spaceship up there to write Coca-Cola on it!

19
May

You know youre in the wrong church when…

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOURE IN A BAD CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.

9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

8. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss Version.

7. Theres an ATM in the lobby.

6. Choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. — Bring Your Own Snake.

4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, Smoking or Non-smoking?

1. The only song the organist knows is In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

19
May

The 3 Guys in a Plane

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.

They each had to throw one item out:

The 1st guy threw out an apple.

The 2nd one threw out a bannana.

The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.

A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, Why are you crying?

He answered, an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, Why are you crying?

He answered, a Bannana hit me on the head.

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, Why are you laughing?

He answered, I farted and my house blew up!

18
May

Knock Knock Whos there? Dana! Dana who? Dana talk

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dana!
Dana who?
Dana talk with your mouth full!

18
May

CHICKENS: The

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

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