13
Jan

Yo mama so fat…

Yo mama so fat she got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

13
Jan

Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died? The guy stammers and says, Um…no…um…what happened?. The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

13
Jan

Elephant Fall Into a Deep Pit

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.

By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.

The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.

So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.

13
Jan

The Colonel and the Camel

Its Colonel Smiths first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, What about that little stable over there? Whats that for?

Well, says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, you may have noticed there arent any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can —

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerks desk one Saturday afternoon. Tell me, the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, is the camel free this afternoon?

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. How about I schedule you in for 2:00?

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as hes nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldnt it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?

13
Jan

100 Reasons to be Gay

1. You truly dont care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.

2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

3. You can call anyone honey including pets.

4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.

5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.

7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.

8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

9. You really have been there, done that.

10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

11. Youre the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.

12. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.

13. You can have naked men you dont know in your home.

14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.

15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

16. You understand why the good Lord didnt intend everyone to wear it.

17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.

18. You know that the most important part of a partys decor is the catering staff.

19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

20. You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.

21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.

22. Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.

23. Youve always got an opinion.

24. Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

25. You know how to dress strategically.

26. Your car has an amusing female name.

27. Youre the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.

28. Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.

29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.

30. You know that sex complicates things. So?

31. You know that being called a cheap slut isnt actually an insult.

32. Theres a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.

33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.

34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

35. You have at least one movie musical on video.

36. Youre not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

37. Youre embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.

38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.

39. You know how to make an entrance.

40. You know when to make an exit.

41. You worry about people you dont even know – like Liza Minnelli.

42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

43. You know how to program your VCR.

44. Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.

46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.

47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.

48. You know when to play dumb.

49. You know what to do for a hangover.

50. Yes, you do have a condom.

51. Youve called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl nor a friend.

52. One or more of the following apply to you:

a) You adore Judy Garland

b) You hate Judy Garland

c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.

d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.

e) You dont give a damn about Judy Garland.

f) Who is Judy Garland?

53. You can supply the last names to the following list:

a) Bernadette

b) Chita

c) Barbra

54. You made Donna Summer a star.

55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.

56. Tanning salons were invented for you.

57. Youve made sunbathing a performance art.

58. You know when the partys over.

59. You know where to go after the partys over.

60. Youre fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

61. When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of

a) Your grandma

b) Your face lift

c) John Wayne Bobbit

62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.

64. You know that referring to someone as a real lady isnt necessarily a compliment.

65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.

66. If your cat is a female, you swear its a lesbian.

67. If your cat is a male, you swear its a lesbian.

68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like Stand by your man.

69. Youve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.

70. Youll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.

71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.

72. You have a favorite Disney character and its usually a nasty one.

73. Youve left someone totally speechless.

74. Youve shaved something other than your face.

75. All your friends do not have to get along.

76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.

77. Your love handles are actually used as such.

78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.

79. Youve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.

80. Youve got the most interesting coffee table books.

81. You know where to find a meat rack and it aint in your kitchen drawer.

82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.

83. At some moment in your life youve envisioned having back-up girls.

84. You know your enemies.

85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And hes right there in the shower.

86 Youre Barbra Streisands biggest fan.

87. You know that Barbra Streisands biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.

88 Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes youve added side dishes.

89. You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and important issues can be about hair.

90. Youve actually lived out some of your fantasies.

91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.

92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.

93. You know, by heart, every line in:

a) All about Eve

b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show

c) Your face

94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.

95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.

96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.

97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.

98. Even if youre in Kansas, youre not in Kansas anymore.

99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.

100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

13
Jan

A Redneck Valentine

Collards is green

my dogs name is Blue

and Im so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze

Softer than Blues

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You aint got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yore as satisfyn as okry

jist a-fryn in the pan.

Yore as fragrant as snuff

right out of the can.

You have soma yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when were in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, Im in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yore there fer yore man,

to patch up lifes troubles

and fix what you can.

Yore as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin overhead.

You aint mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Aint nuttin I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin.

Me n yous like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentines Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

its romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

Thats impressive, I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

Diamonds are forever,

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these wont do.

Cause yore too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds…

Its a new trollin motor!!

13
Jan

On Being Prepared for Marriage

(on David Letterman, week of 3/13):

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks
like a regular guy–no earring or anything. But really
I think a man with an earring is better prepared for
marriage. I mean, hes already experienced pain and bought
jewelry.

— Rita Rudner

13
Jan

Elephant Riddles Seven

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: Theyre all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if theres an elephant in bed with you?

A: She has a big E on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why wont they allow elephants in public swimming pools?

A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: Cos sheep dont have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?

A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephants sex organ?

A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatologist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: Can I be on top this time?

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

13
Jan

Jobs and Work joke #11019

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.

13
Jan

Stay in control

A friend of mine told me this one last night, I dont know where he heard it
from…

An virginal young lady (Lets call her Madonna) goes to visit her girl friend
in the clinic, who has just given birth to her first child. During the course
of their conversation, Madonna mentions the fact that while she too would like
to have a baby, she didnt exactly know how to proceed. The young mother is
very helpful, and fills out an itemized list on the how-tos of becoming
pregnant:

Get all dressed up in the slinkiest dress you can find
Go to (substitute your favorite nightclub)
etc…

Madonna scrupulously follows her friends instructions, and sure enough, finds
herself guided into the mens room at the nightclub. Her only problem is that
the young man is a safe sex advocate and uses a rubber to consummate the act,
and she being inexperienced is unaware of this obstacle. Once consummated he
takes off the rubber and flushes it down the toilet.

Madonna: Gee honey, what do yo want to call our child?

Young man: (looks at the toilet, and then adresses Madonna) Well, if he gets
out of this one, wed better call him McGuyver…