Crushed Nuts?

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, Banana Split, please.

The lady at the counter replies, Crushed nuts?

The old man says, No, Arthritis!


Saddam and Clinton

What mightve happened:

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?


God Speaks

God speaks through billboards. New public service billboards created by a Dallas advertising agency (don’t know exactly who?) are getting big attention in Dallas AND in the awards annuals. Heres a list of the variations of the God Speaks billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included….

Lets meet at my house Sunday before the game.-God

Cmon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of Thou Shalt Not… didnt you understand?-God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, Ill make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That Love Thy Neighbor thing… I meant it. -God

I love you and you and you and you and… -God

Will the road youre on get you to my place? -God

Follow me. -God

Big bang theory, youve got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

Need directions? -God

You think its hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where youre going? -God

(And my personal favorite)

Dont make me come down there! -God


Actual written statements on report forms

The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at leat they claim to be ACTUAL statements. – You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.

Woman Driver(WD): Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont know.

Man Driver (MD): I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

WD: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

MD: In any attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

MD: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

WD: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

WD: I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

MD: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

WD: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

WD: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

MD: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

MD: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

MD: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

MD: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

WD: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

MD: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.

WD: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.


Wife Is a Car Feature

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, Its got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a drivers side air bag.

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steves wife before, he asked, Whos that?

Oh, said Steve with a grin, another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!


I Love My Job

I love my Job ~ By Dr Seuss

I love my Job

I love my Job, I love the Pay!

I love it more and more each day.

I love my Boss; hes the best!

I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location –

I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray,

and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!

Theres nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my Peers –

I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;

I hug it often though it doesnt care…

I love each Program and every File,

I try to understand once in a while!!

Im happy to be here, I am I am;

Im the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.

I love this Work: I love these Chores.

I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job – Ill say it again –

I even love these friendly Men –

These men whove come to visit today

in lovely white coats to take me away!!


Well arrive between 9 and 5

(Im not proud, Ill take them from any source…)

(This is a Russian joke that Ronnie told a while back. What with the summit
and all, he probably wont be telling so many of these.)

A Russian fellow has saved and saved and finally can purchase an automobile.
He goes to the state store to order his car and is informed that it will be
delivered in ten years. The man then asks:

Will it be here in the morning or the afternoon?

Why are you concerned? Its quite some time from now.

Because the plumber is coming in the morning.


Twas the night before…

    Twas the night beforeChristmas and Santas a wreck…

    How to live in a worldthats politically correct?

    His workers no longer wouldanswer to "Elves".

    "VerticallyChallenged" they were calling themselves.

    And labor conditions at thenorth pole

    Were alleged by the unionto stifle the soul.

    Four reindeer had vanished,without much propriety,

    Released to the wilds bythe Humane Society.

    And equal employment hadmade it quite clear

    That Santa had better notuse just reindeer.

    So Dancer and Donner, Cometand Cupid,

    Were replaced with 4 pigs,and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had beenremoved from his sleigh;

    The ruts were termeddangerous by the E.P.A.

    And people had started tocall for the cops

    When they heard sled noiseson their roof-tops.

    Second-hand smoke from hispipe had his workers quite frightened.

    His fur trimmed red suitwas called "Unenlightened."

    And to show you thestrangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

    Rudolf was suing overunauthorized use of his nose

    And had gone on Geraldo, infront of the nation,

    Demanding millions inover-due compensation.

    So, half of the reindeerwere gone; and his wife,

    Who suddenly said shedenough of this life,

    Joined a self-help group,packed, and left in a whiz,

    Demanding from now on hertitle was Ms.

    And as for the gifts, why,hed neer had a notion

    That making a choice couldcause so much commotion.

    Nothing of leather, nothingof fur,

    Which meant nothing forhim. And nothing for her.

    Nothing that might beconstrued to pollute.

    Nothing to aim. Nothing toshoot.

    Nothing that clamored ormade lots of noise.

    Nothing for just girls. Orjust for the boys.

    Nothing that claimed to begender specific.

    Nothing thats warlike ornon-pacific.

    No candy or sweets…theywere bad for the tooth.

    Nothing that seemed toembellish a truth.

    And fairy tales, while notyet forbidden,

    Were like Ken and Barbie,better off hidden.

    For they raised the hacklesof those psychological

    Who claimed the only goodgift was one ecological.

    No baseball, nofootball…someone could get hurt;

    Besides, playing sportsexposed kids to dirt.

    Dolls were said to besexist, and should be passe;

    And Nintendo would rot yourentire brain away.

    So Santa just stood there,disheveled, perplexed;

    He just could not figureout what to do next.

    He tried to be merry, triedto be gay,

    But youve got to becareful with that word today.

    His sack was quite empty,limp to the ground;

    Nothing fully acceptablewas to be found.

    Something special wasneeded, a gift that he might

    Give to all withoutangering the left or the right.

    A gift that would satisfy,with no indecision,

    Each group of people, everyreligion;

    Every ethnicity, every hue,

    Everyone, everywhere…evenyou.

    So here is that gift, itsprice beyond worth…

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peaceon Earth."


Tech Support

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article: 1.Compaq is considering changing thecommand "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood ofcalls asking where the "Any" key is. 2.AST technical support had a callercomplaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turnedout to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3.Another Compaq technician receiveda call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from hisold diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into thetypewriter to type the labels. 4.Another AST customer was asked tosend a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from thecustomer along with photocopies of the floppies. 5.A Dell technician advised hiscustomer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customerasked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossingthe room to close the door to his room. 6.Another Dell customer called tosay he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it infront of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 7.Yet another Dell customer calledto complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tubwith soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys andwashing them individually. 8.A Dell technician received a callfrom a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and aninvalid". The tech explained that the computers "bad command" and"invalid" responses shouldnt be taken personally. 9.A confused caller to IBM washaving troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it"couldnt find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen toface the printer – but that his computer still couldnt "see" the printer. 10.An exasperated caller to DellComputer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring thecomputer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the powerbutton. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothinghappens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computers mouse. 11.Another customer called Compaqtech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked theunit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. Whenasked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What powerswitch?" 12.True story from a Novell NetWireSysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "Im sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, its attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, Its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldnt stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! 13.Another IBM customer had troublesinstalling software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK.It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said toput in the third disk – I couldnt even fit it in…" The user hadnt realized that"Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. 14.In a similar incident, a customerhad followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove thedisk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casingof the disk and wondered why there were problems. As Ripley would say, believe it ornot!


Blondes and Food

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?

Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!

Why dont blondes eat pickles?

Because they cant get their head in the jar.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

From eating with forks.

How did the blonde burn his nose?

Bobbing for french fries.

Did you hear about the blonde that ate rocky mountain oysters?

She was dragged 200 yards.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?

She peed on her corn flakes.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

Why dont blondes like buttered toast?

They cant figure out which side the butter goes on.