08
Sep

Im as confused as a

Im as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

08
Sep

Honk if you love peace

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

08
Sep

Charming

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."The Texan lady commented, "Well, isnt that nice?"The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isnt that nice?"The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isnt that nice?"The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school.""Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, Who gives a crap, I learned to say, Well, isnt that nice?"

08
Sep

Chain letter (offensive to some husbands)

Dear Friend,

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up yur husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men … and one of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up!

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN … one woman did, and received her own jerk back!

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday but it took four undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face.

Were counting on you,

A Satisified Woman

08
Sep

The Lumberjack…

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the skinny man.

Okay, see that giant redwood over there? said the lumberjack.

Take your axe and go cut it down!

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjacks door. I cut the tree down, said the little man.

The lumberjack couldnt believe his eyes and said, Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?

In the Sahara Forest, replied the puny man.

You mean the Sahara Desert, said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back…

Oh sure, thats what they call it now!

08
Sep

Phone Number

Ring Ring…

Hello, who is it?

Is your phone number 13498732?

No.

So, why did you pick up the phone?

08
Sep

I Wish

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing the
formers impending wedding.

If you want an unforgettable wedding night, her friend
said, get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony.

A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said
plaintively, Only eight of the oysters worked.

[Contributed by Mike Kane.]

08
Sep

One of the best excuses for losing at sports

According to a local sports columnist (The Argus Deon Viljoen), Zambiantennis player Lighton Ndefwayl explained his defeat by Musumba Bwayla as follows:

He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight and because, when he serves, he farts, and that made me loose my concentration, for which I am famous throughout Zambia.

08
Sep

Religious Views of Life

Not for those who take their religion TOO seriously…


  • Taoism:
    Shit happens
     
  • Confucianism:
    Confucius said: Shit happens
     
  • Buddhism:
    If shit happens, it isnt really shit.
     
  • Zen:
    Whats the sound of shit happening?
     
  • Hinduism:
    This shit has happened before!
     
  • Islam:
    If shit happens, it is the will of Allah!
     
  • Protestantism:
    Let shit happen to someone else.
     
  • Catholicism:
    If shit happens, you deserve it.
     
  • Judaism:
    Why does this shit always happen to us?
     
  • Atheism:
    I dont believe this shit!
     
  • Agnosticism:
    Whats this shit?
07
Sep

Knock Knock Whos there? Harold! Harold who? Harold are

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Harold!
Harold who?
Harold are you!