04
Jun

Dr. Suesss lost tongue twisters

See if you can do this …

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word, in each line, from the start.

04
Jun

How to be annoying

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!

Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, motion sickness!

Meow occassionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!

Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.

Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say Ding! at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

Bring a chair along.

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.

04
Jun

Nuns On The Road (Rated)

Two nuns are traveling through Tansylvania in their car. They get stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

Quick, quick!! shouts the first nun, What shall I do?

Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination, shouts the second.

She switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

Whatll I do now?, shouts the first nun.

Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican! says the second.

The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

Now what? screams the first nun.

Show him your cross! says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!

04
Jun

Five Kind Of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex.

This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.

This is at the beginning of the marriage; youll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.

Youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.

This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

04
Jun

Dog Days

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver!

04
Jun

Three men, a Jewish man,

Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were
having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, I have four
sons. One more and Ill have a basketball team.The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
Thats nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and Ill have a
football team.To which the Mormon man replied, You fellas aint got a clue. I
have 17 wives. One more and Ill have a golf course.

04
Jun

Perfect

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one who really existed in the first place.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

04
Jun

The 3 Guys in a Plane

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.

They each had to throw one item out:

The 1st guy threw out an apple.

The 2nd one threw out a bannana.

The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.

A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, Why are you crying?

He answered, an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, Why are you crying?

He answered, a Bannana hit me on the head.

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, Why are you laughing?

He answered, I farted and my house blew up!

04
Jun

God Bless Us

There are five people on a plane thats crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, God bless me! Bill Gates jumps out and yells, God bless me and my bank account! Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, God bless me and my team! Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, God bless me and the New York Rangers! The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, God bless me and the people I land on!

04
Jun

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job.

She went to her doctor, Dr. Smith, and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before doing anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say, Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies, he tells her. She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies. The man standing next to her says, You go to Dr. Smith? Yes, she said, how did you know? He replies Hickory dickory dock!

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