Q: Have you heard about Michael Jacksons New Book?

A: Its called, The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?

A: They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?

Yup, shes gonna do all the handicapping and hes gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??

A: He thought it was a delivery service.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.

If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says hell have no choice but to make him a priest!

Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?

A: By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway.

And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances…

He wants to spend more time with the kids!

EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manuals Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler Seizures
EMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of Saturdays
EMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing Simple
EMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable Shell
EMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer Story
EMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely Screwed
EMACS: Each Mail A Continued Surprise
EMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes
EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-Sucking
EMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled Successfully
EMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer Software
EMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow

If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket…

The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, Im a cute looking blonde and Im flying first class.

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta….

The blonde then retorts, Im a cute blonde and Im flying first class.

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening….

The blonde tells him, Im a cute blonde and Im flying first class….

The captain whispers in her ear…and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin…

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..

He replied, I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.

La Madre Superiora estaba entrevistando a una de sus monjas que había decidido dejar el convento.

¿Y qué vas a hacer de hoy en adelante?

Quiero volverme una prostituta.

¿UNA QUEEE? ¿Qué fue lo que dijiste?

Dije que quiero volverme una prostituta.

¡Oh, gracias a Dios! Pensé que habías dicho una protestante.

Un niño entra al consultorio de un ginecólogo y, ante la sorpresa de la secretaria, pide hablar con el médico.

La secretaria le explica que ese médico, en especial, sólo atendía a señoras, y que seguramente se había equivocado. El niño insiste de tal manera, que a la secretaria no le queda otro remedio que decirle al médico lo que ocurría, y éste, por curiosidad, lo hace pasar al consultorio.

Una vez adentro el niño le pregunta: ¿doctor, una mujer de 5 años puede quedar embarazada?

El médico con una sonrisa le responde que no. El niño insiste nuevamente: ¿está Ud. seguro, doctor?

Cansado por tanta insistencia del niño le responde: yo soy médico y te garantizo con total seguridad que lo que me preguntas es imposible.

A lo que el niño responde: ¡hija de puta!

Extrañado, el facultativo le pregunta: ¿por qué dices eso?

Esta guacha, con el cuento del aborto, me hizo vender el triciclo, responde el infante.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?



3. Did I mention the video camera?



4. Do you smell something burning?



5. (in a janitors closet) And they say romance is dead…



6. Try breathing through your nose.



7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!



8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?



9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?



10. But whipped cream makes me break out.



11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?



Person 2: Yeah.. today



12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!



13. Can you please pass me the remote control?



14. Do you accept Visa?



15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ



16. On second thought, lets turn off the lights.



17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!



18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.



19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?



20. Hope youre as good looking when Im sober…



21. (holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo!



22. Do you get any premium movie channels?



23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!



24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!



25. Got any penicillin?



26. But I just brushed my teeth…



27. Smile, youre on Candid Camera!



28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!



29. I want a baby!



30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!



31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?



32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…



33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?



34. I think you have it on backwards.



35. When is this supposed to feel good?



36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!



37. Youre good enough to do this for a living!



38. Is that blood on the headboard?



39. Did I remember to take my pill?



40. Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere?



41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…



42. That leak better be from the waterbed!



43. I told you it wouldnt work without batteries!



44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..



45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?



46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance…



47. No, really… I do this part better myself!



48. Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate!



49. This would be more fun with a few more people…



50. Youre almost as good as my ex!



51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?



52. That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?



53. You look younger than you feel.



54. Perhaps youre just out of practice.



55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!



56. Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash.



57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…



58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?



59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.



60. What tampon?



61. Have you ever considered liposuction?



62. And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner!



63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?



64. I have a confession…



65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!



66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?



67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?



68. Is that a hanging sculpture?



69. Youll stil vote for me, wont you?



70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?



71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!



72. Did you come yet, dear?



73. Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizingabout…



74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!



75. Does this count as a date?



76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!



77. Hic! I need another beer for this please



78. I think biting is romantic- dont you?



79. Q: You can cook, too right?



A: (Whaddaya think Im doin?)



80. When would you like to meet my parents?



81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…



Woman: Yourself?



82. Have you seen Fatal Attraction?



83. Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names.



84. Dont mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.



85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?



86. I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?



87. Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman.



88. Sorry but I dont do toes!



89. You could at least ACT like youre enjoying it!



90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!



91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…



92. Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer.



93. So thats why they call you MR. Flash!



94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!



95. Is this a sin too?



96. Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!



97. Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?



98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…



99. Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise…



100. How long do you plan to be almost there?



101. You mean youre NOT my blind date?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Custer!
Custer who?
Custer a penny to find out!

A man was walking on a highway when he discovered a genie lamp.
He rubbed it and a genie came out and said,I will grant you one wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, Well, I never have gone to Hawaii because I never could afford it. Could you make a highway from here to Hawaii so I could just drive over anytime?
The genie sighed and said, Man, I have been in this genie business for 10,000 years. I am quite tired. Cant you think of something a little more simple?
The man thought and said, Well, you know, I have been married to my wife for 5 years now but I still cant understand her. Can you make it so I can understand her from now on?
The genie sighed again and said, Two lanes or four?