The following item was extracted from the travel section of a UK daily newspaper:

Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable – and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV, 1, a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, i.e. in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e. to oncoming truck, I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die. In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means I have seen someone out of Indias 870 million whom I recognize, There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen) or I have not blown my horn for several minutes.

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could. This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps (insouciant).

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.

Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing – and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.

(via The Mouthpiece)

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.

She thought a second, and then replied, Youre going to die.

A man goes to the Doctor and says, Doctor I think my wifes been dead for two weeks!

Dead for two weeks? What makes you think that?

Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build up!

She is so blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Leona!
Leona who?
Leonaly way to go!

Un marica llega a la casa de su amigo y le pide prestado el baño. Un rato después, se escucha un grito en tono de queja:

¡Ah, ah, ah!

El dueño de la casa le grita al que se está bañando:

¿Está fría el agua?

No, el tubo.

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.



Oh, my, exclaimed the lady, Come on, Ill clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.



She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.



Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.



She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…Hey, lady!



Yes? she responded.

Do you have a Kleenex? asked the voice from the bushes.



No, not anymore, she answered.

Damn! Have ya seen any Ducks?

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.



So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.



Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.



You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.



The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case strictly on its merits.

Typical macho man marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:



Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I dont expect any hassle from you!



I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules…any comments?



His new bride matter of factly says, No, thats fine with me.

Just understand one thing… there will be sex here at seven oclock every night – whether youre HOME or not!

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or Ill shoot, the man shouted, Thats not what I said!