What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Why dont women need watches?

Because theres a clock on the stove.

1. Put it in.

2. Pull it out.

3. Repeat if necessary

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy put. He shouted, Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed Damn It! Missed again the nun repeated her warning God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out Damn It! Missed again!.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE – XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: Belt your family. Its the law.

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: Broken English spoken perfectly

At an Applebees restaraunt: NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!

Fitness Center sign: Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself – regardless of the facts.

You have sworn on your mothers grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as my girlfriend.

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

Youve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.