Archive for June, 2019

Gender Designations

Poza publicata in [ Ethnic ]

Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In Spanish, for example, this determines whether you use el or la in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few recommendations:SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasnt evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but its handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, theres the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female! Consider this: It gives a man pleasure. Hed be lost without it. And while he doesnt always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Sooner…

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, I sure wish Id gotten to know you sooner!

Something to think about

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent
responded that they did.

Enter the Pearly Gates

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?

Answer… Theyre Carols.

En el circo, el presentador,

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

En el circo, el presentador, con voz fuerte y emotiva, anuncia la principal atracción de la noche:

Señoras y señores, niños y niñas, a continuación y para cerrar nuestra función de esta noche presentamos… ¡Al Gran Bertinni!

Bajo los reflectores, aparece un hombre de complexión delgada y atlética, mientras el presentador continúa hablando:

El Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín colocado a una altura de 50 metros y caerá dentro de un barril de agua.

Dicho esto, el Gran Bertinni se lanza, da una voltereta en el aire y cae dentro del barril. Al instante, sale alzando los brazos en señal de victoria. El público, sorprendido, estalla en un sinfín de aplausos y ovaciones.

A continuación, el Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín a una altura de 75 metros y caerá dentro de un balde de agua.

Entonces, el Gran Bertinni se lanza, da dos volteretas en el aire y cae dentro del balde. Inmediatamente sale alzando los brazos en señal de victoria. Otra vez, el público, pasmado, estalla en un mar de aplausos y ovaciones.

A continuación, el Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín a una altura de 100 metros y caerá sobre una toalla mojada.

El público grita entusiasmado. Bertinni sube parsimoniosamente la interminable escalera. Al llegar al final del trampolín brinca y da tres volteretas en el aire… ¡Plaf! Un sonido fuerte y seco enmudeció el circo. De inmediato, Bertinni se levanta, todo magullado y lleno de sangre, reclamando:

¿Quién #&%*@ fue el que secó la toalla?

De los 13 a los

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

De los 13 a los 18 años está como América Latina:

En pleno desarrollo.

De los 19 a los 25 años está como África:

Mitad virgen y mitad explorada.

De los 26 a los 35 años está como Asia:

Ardiente pero misteriosa.

De los 36 a los 45 años está como Europa:

Conservadora pero interesante.

De los 46 a los 55 años está como Estados Unidos:

Pura tecnología.

De los 56 a los 65 años está como China:

Puro cuento.

De los 66 a los 70 años está como Cuba:

Todos saben dónde está pero nadie quiere verla.

De los 71 años en adelante está como Venezuela:

Existe, pero está toda escoñetada.

Este era un lorito muy

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Este era un lorito muy tirón, y todos los días se cogía a los animales de la tienda donde se encontraban, hasta que un día una señora lo decide comprar.

La señora tenía una gata, y todos los días al llegar a la casa veía a la gata toda exhausta, y decía: Ohhhh se han cogido a la gata.

Así pasó una semana, hasta que tomó al loro y le dijo: ¡Si mañana te coges a la gata te encierro en el refrigerador!

Al día siguiente la gata estaba cogida otra vez y la mujer encerró al loro en el refrigerador. Pasaron tres dias, y se acordó del loro, y cuando abre la puerta del refrigerador ve al loro todo sudado y éste le dice:

¡COÑO, ESE POLLO SI QUE TIENE EL CULO DURO!

The 50s

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. Hes a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girls father answers and invites him in.



Carries not ready yet. Why dont you have a seat? Carries father asks Bobby what theyre planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.





Why dont you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!





Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carries dad to please repeat himself.





Yeah, says Carries father, Carrie really likes to screw; shell screw all night if we let her!





A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and matching cardigan sweater and announces that shes ready to go. Breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.





About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “Dad, its called the Twist!

Potato

Poza publicata in [ Blonde ]

There were three girls: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They were running from the cops, when they ran to a farm and hid, the cops closely on their trail.

The brunette hid with the ducks. The redhead hid with the cows. And the blonde hid with potatoes.

The cops looked in the ducks pen and the brunette said, Quack, quack, quack…

The cops then looked into the cows area and the redhead said, Moooooo…

Finally, the cops looked in the the potato patch and the blonde said, Potatoooooo…

Ways to confuse a roommate

Poza publicata in [ School ]

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

90. Trash the room when your roommates not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.