Q: What would happen if Clinton took Viagra?

A: Hed get taller

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an [ethnic] man.
One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome [ethnic] who appeared
to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, shed go for it. So Mary
asked
the fellow to come home with her.

When the two got to Marys apartment, Mary told the [ethnic] about her
fantasy,
and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the [ethnic], of course,
agreed,
so the two headed for Marys bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, Ok,
first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed! So the [ethnic]
did
so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up
at the [ethnic] and said, Now, big boy, do what you do best!

So the [ethnic] picked up her VCR and left.

Help support helpless victims of computer error.

While he was in New York on location for Bronco Billy (1980), Clint
Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself
to define a Clint Eastwood picture. To me, said Eastwood calmly,
what a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that Im in.

Source: Hollywood Anecdotes by Paul F. Boller, Jr. and Ronald L. Davis.

I heard this from a friend:

Three guys are playing basketball at a local outside court and they pause to
take a break. (Just for the sake of three names Ill use Moe, Larry,
Curly)….

Moe: Man, I wish I had a million bucks, Id buy a car just like that
big Cadillac over there. What would you do if you had a
million bucks Larry?

Larry: If I had a million bucks Id buy a car just like that Porsche
sitting over there. What would you do if you had a million
bucks Curly?

Curly: Gee, I dont know…I guess Id have surgery to get thick
black hair all all over my body.

Moe: Why would you want black hair all over your body?

Curly: Well, my sister only has a patch about this big, and she owns
both those cars.

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we cant make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did … ?

A Cat Letter to God

Dear God,
Do you exist? Im just curious. I dont care.

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, maybe Ill just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!

The vendor said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about. Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, Damn, this one doesnt have any shoes either!

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:

Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:

Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.

A man was making love to his wife and he exclaimed, I will love you to death!

The following night they again were beginning to making love and he shouted Ill love you till you scream!!

After he had done the same thing the third night, his wife pulled a feather out of the pillow and began tapping him on the head with it.

What are you doing? demanded the husband.

Comparatively speaking, Im pounding your brains out she replied.