A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. Ill be home in an hour to pick them up.

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: Did you have a good trip, dear?

He says: Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

His wife smiles and says, Oh no I didnt. I put them in your tackle box!

The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving

service.


A ragged man in the audience asked, What is there to be

thankful for?


Surprised, the minister replied, What is your name,sir?

Cause, was the reply.


Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body…

Im blind and I have lung cancer


…or your family…


I dont have a family


…or your home…


I dont have a home.


Well, then I guess your a lost Cause!

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks This guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: Shay mister, taste this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

It tastes like piss, he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: It is. How old am I?

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!

Other bum says, Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.”

Shouting out he say’s, “HEY WILLIE, FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

Un yanqui, un hindú y un mexicano, llegan al Infierno. El diablo les informa que se van a quedar ahí, pero ellos le piden una oportunidad para salvarse. El demonio acepta con una condición:

El que resista tres de mis latigazos en la espalda, aún protegiéndose con cualquier cosa, se podrá ir al Cielo.

Primero va el gringo, quien se cubre con un pedazo de acero. Pero, Mefisto, al primer latigazo se lo tumba y, al darle el segundo, el americano grita y se va corriendo.

El segundo en pasar es el hindú. Extrañado, Mefistófeles le pregunta que con que se va a proteger. El indio contesta que tan sólo necesita meditar. Recibe el primero, el segundo y el tercero y no grita. El demonio le ordena que se vaya; pero él no quiere irse, hasta ver que pasa con el mexicano.

Pasa el mexicano, y Luzbel le pregunta:

¿Con qué te vas a proteger?

El mexicano se pone a pensar y decide:

Mmmm, yo me cubro con el hindú y échale latigazos.

De los placeres sin pecar,

El más dulce es el cagar

Con un periódico extendido

Y un cigarrillo encendido:

Queda el culo complacido,

Y la mierda en el vacío.

Que triste es amar sin ser amado

Pero más triste es cagar sin haber hartado,

Hay cacas blancas por la hepatitis

Así como las hay blandas por la gastritis.

Cualquiera que sea la causa,

Que siempre te alcanza,

Aprieta las piernas duro

Que cuando el trozo es seguro,

Aunque esté bien fruncido el culo

Será por lo menos pedo seguro.

Cagar es un placer

De él nadie se escapa,

Caga el rey, caga el Papa

Caga la mujer más guapa.

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?

Well, said the vet lets have a look at him The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.



Well, says the vet Im going to have to put him down.



Just because hes cross-eyed? says the man.



No, because hes heavy, says the vet.

Left Bank left bangk: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par-uh-doks: Two physicians.

Q: Whats a blondes favorite wine?

A: Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!