Old and New Jokes

Your family automatically heads for the table every time
they hear a fire siren.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

Your kids know what peas porridge in a pot nine days old
tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family
grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for
your toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting
him over for dinner.

Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle
toxic waste in their lunch bags.

Your spouse refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.

Forest Gump goes to heaven…The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says,
Well, Forrest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?2) How many seconds are there in a year?3) What is Gods first name?Forrest says, Well, the first one – how many days in the week begin
With the letter T?
That ones easy.
Thatd be Today and Tomorrow.The Saints eyes open wide and he exclaims!!
Forrest, thats not what I was thinking, but …..
Ill give you credit for that answer.How about the second one? asks St. Peter.
How many seconds in a year?Now that ones harder, says Forrest, but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve.Astounded, St. Peter says, Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?Shucks, theres gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. I see where youre going with this, and Ill have to give you credit for that one, too. Lets go on with the next and final question.Can you tell me Gods first name?Sure Forrest replied, ITS ANDY.Andy?! exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?That was the easiest one of all, Forrest replied.ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: Run, Forrest, run.

There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.

So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass.

While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd – If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?

He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed 487. The shepherd said WOW! Thats right…well…take any sheep you like…a deals a deal

So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, when the shepehrd says WAIT!

Now I have a deal for you…. if I guess the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: I need a cigarette.

But honey, his lover says. The store closes in two minutes. Youll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.

Thats okay, He quips. Ill just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, Ill pretend Im a statue.

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man. Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser! She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. She sticks a quarter up the young mans ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young mans ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise.

Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!

Snake 1 – I hope my bite isnt poisonous.Snake 2 – Why?Snake 1 – Because I just bit my tongue!

Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?

He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

182. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, Im watching you.

Q: How many Synagogue officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Change? How dare you! My Grandfather (may he rest in peace) donated that lightbulb!

Point at a photo of the interviewers family on desk and start
laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say,
Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone
barricaded that.

Constantly fidget with your underwear waistband, then blurt:
The strawberry ones are the stickiest, dont ya think?

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify it with,
Of course I was totally hammered at the time.

Inquire on the offices policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldnt even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein
hadnt stolen your secret patent for 2000 Flushes

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if its O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you
didnt feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if shell sit on your lap during interview.

Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure
office from a few angles, put it away, then declare; NOW we can
begin.

Upon walking into the office for the first time ask reception
to hold all your calls.

-What makes Britain so strong? -It´s the two-party system. One big

party on every friday and another big party on every saturday