(This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and
leather goods were not openly sold.)

An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesnt have a black
hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
chapeau noir. So off he goes to find a store open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, Msieur, ou
pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir? (1)

The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend
directions. The store–if that is what it is–looks a little seedy and run
down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend.
He speaks first:

Msieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir.

Mais, monsieur, jai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux
marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin dun capeau
noir?

Ma femme est morte.

O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!

(1) The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat)–capeau(slang for condom)

The Italian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have wine.

The Frenchman says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.

The Russian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.

The German says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have beer.

The Mexican says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.

The Jew says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and
were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
freedom. As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from
town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their
privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two
priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The third replied, I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my
face they would recognize.

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to change the bulb, three to watch him work, one to supervise, one to make the tea, and two to phone in to say that they cant make it in to work today.

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the train drivers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: Thaw the chicken.

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?



The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles. The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doing all this drinking.



Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have., said the man.



The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?



The man drunkenly replies, I have a dollar.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Alex, the computer guy, to come over. Alex clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.



As he was walking away, I called after him, So, what was wrong?



He replied, It was an ID ten T error.



I didnt want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: An ID ten T error? Whats that … in case I need to fix it again?



Alex grinned…. Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?



No, I replied.



Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out.



So I wrote out ……. I D 1 0 T

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.



When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.



Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: Why are you laughing?



I was thinking about my own funeral the man replied.

Whats so funny about that?



Im a gynecologist.

Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial.

The note said:

Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.

The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way.

The judge made a noise.

I wanted someone from maintenance, she said.

The trouble was the window blinds on the courtrooms right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.