AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a freakin jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.
ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 20 – May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 – Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (Jun 21 – Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a damn.
LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.