A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even
each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. Father, he said, I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage.

His father replied, Dont you love this girl?

Oh yes, very much, he said, but you see, I have very smelly feet and Im afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them.

No problem, said dad, all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed. Well, to him this seemed a workable
solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. Mom, she said, When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful.

Honey, her mother consoled, everyone has bad breath in the morning.

No, you dont understand. My morning breath is so bad, Im afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me.

Her mother said simply, Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the
bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until youve brushed your teeth.

I shouldnt say good morning or anything? the daughter asked.

Not a word, her mother affirmed.

Well, its certainly worth a try, she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed
quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the
bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, What on earth are you doing?

Oh, my, he replies, youve swallowed my sock!

WALT WHITMAN: To cluck the song of itself

MR.SCOTT: Cos ma wee transporter beam wasna functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

JACK NICHOLSON: Cause it (CENSORED) wanted to. Thats the (CENSORED) reason.

KARL MARX: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

ROBERT FROST: To cross the road less traveled by.

EMILY DICKINSON: Because it could not stop for death.

GILLIGAN: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail; the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!

BUDDHA: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

FOX MULDER: No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

PEE WEE HERMAN: He didnt want me choking him. JFK:Ask not why the chicken crosses the road, but what you can do to help him cross it.

O.J. SIMPSON: I will be asking that question for the rest of my life until I find the real person who made the chicken cross that road.

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and Ill find out.

COLONEL SANDERS: What? I missed one?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BOB DYLAN: How many roads must one chicken cross?

HP LOVECRAFT: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

BUDDY: It needed to click on a banner.

Once there was this guy, lets call him Fred, who had a very small penis. Poor Fred thought if only he had larger equipment then maybe the chicks would like him more.

One day Fred went into the mens room and a very short man dressed in green was standing there peeing. Well, Fred couldnt help but notice what an enourmous penis the man had and he said as much. How did it get so big? he asked incredulously.

With magic, the man replied, I am a leprechaun.

Fred was amazed. Can you make mine that big?

The leprechaun could and said he would if Fred would only do him a small favor…to bend over and let him have his way with Fred. Fred agreed and did so. When they were finished he pulled his pants back up and stood.

How old are you boy? the man in green asked as he stood at the door.

Thirty. Why?

Youre thirty years old and you still believe in leprechauns?

No pre-marital sex.
No oral sex ever.
No booze.
No topless bars.
No Playboy channel.
No organized sports of any kind, to speak of.
Hooters. What is this Hooters of which you speak!
Sand everywhere.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating with your right hand only cause you wipe your butt with your left.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door, no wait, is that music? cant tell !!
Bar-B-Q cooked over camel dung.
Prayer four times a day.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
Oh, and by the way, when you die it all gets better!

Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex?

More perks, and the payoff is better.

…and is telling the class about a test theyre having tomorrow, I will take no excuses for missing this test and no makeups, the only way to get out of taking it is if you turn up dead.
Now Billy being the class clown he is raises his hand and says what if I were too exhausted from a long night of having sex?
Mr. Jakobs replies, not an excuse, you can use the other hand to write.

Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MD

From Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality July, 1991 p. 15

Scrotum Self-Repair

One morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he needed a doctor who took care of mens troubles. The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We X-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didnt leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.

Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

The following extraordinary story appeared in a local South African newspaper (The Argus):

LONDON. – A university lecturer whose erect penis popped out during a private lesson with a girl student has blamed his washing machine.

Scientist Ian Rabarts, 53, told a Cambridge magistrate his washing machine was not rinsing properly. Some powder was left inside his underpants.

It caused a rash which made me itch, said Mr Rabarts, so I let my genitals hang out of my briefs.

The father of two said a whiff of student Michelle Sowden-Frosts perfume caused his penis to become erect.

The displacement of my underpants because of the problems with my crotch and the unwitting leaving open of my fly allowed the erection to protrude through the slip of my lab coat. It was an absolutely horrifying situation for me.

The magistrate accepted that the incident was accidental and Mr Rabarts was cleared of indecent exposure.

His wife said they had since bought a new washing machine.

Forwarded from a friend whos doing student teaching this semester…

these are actual quotes taken from junior high students science
tests….

* The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.

* A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance.

* Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

* To collect fumes of sulhpur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube.

Brent Nordquist

14> Your coffee stays hot all day!13> Never have to look very far to find the legal department.12> In Hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge — Satan!11> 30% fewer Dilbert cartoons in the break room.10> In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy. 9> You get to spend more time with your spouse now. 8> No more wondering if the boss hates you. 7> Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public
transportation. 6> Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite
invigorating. 5> Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss! 4> Your office: One free stale donut every Friday.
Hell: One brutal mutilation of a Full House cast member every
Friday. 3> Your job? Suit and tie.
Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby! 2> Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke
now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint. 1> Microwave popcorn — without leaving your cubicle!