Little Jonny asked his mother Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?
Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense? replied by his mother
Little Jonny answered The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.
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Un tipo era tan adicto al cigarrillo que no le importaba el lugar ni lo que estuviera haciendo, si le daban ganas de fumar y no tenÃa cigarrillos, inmediatamente salÃa a comprarlos.
Un dÃa que estaba bañándose le dieron unas ganas enormes de fumar y salió a comprar cigarrillos tal como Dios lo trajo al mundo. Cuando regresaba, vio que tres religiosas iban por su camino, asà que lo único que se le ocurrió fue ponerse como si fuera máquina expendedora de cigarrillos. Las monjas llegan y comentan:
Mira, hermana, que máquina más original de cigarrillos; voy a sacar uno.
Asà que le aprieta el miembro y ¡pum! salen sus cigarrillos. Va la segunda, aprieta y nuevamente cigarrillos; la tercera aprieta y aprieta y nada. Cuando ya se estaba dando por vencida y creÃa que la máquina estaba dañada comenta:
Vieron, a mà no me entregó cigarrillos, pero si me salió crema para la cara.
El marido sospecha que su mujer le es infiel, va al mercado y se compra el mejor machete que consigue y lo afila hasta que queda como una hoja de afeitar. Llega a su casa y le dice a su mujer:
Mi amor tengo que salir de viaje por unos dÃas.
Ok mi vida cuidate, le responde la mujer.
A penas el hombre sale de su casa la mujer corre rauda y veloz al teléfono a llamar su amante. El marido corre y se trepa en una rama de un árbol que quedaba justo sobre el techo de la habitación (el techo era una cúpula de vidrio transparente).
Pasado el rato llega el amante. La mujer pone a funcionar sus más ocultas fantasÃas sexuales y le dice al amante:
¡Amor hoy lo vamos a hacer como los perros!
¿Como los perros?
SÃ, yo me voy a desnudar y voy a caminar en cuatro patas por la casa y justo en la entrada del dormitorio orinaré, tu olerás y luego correrás a montarme.
A todas estas el marido esta alerta en la rama del árbol con el filoso machete en mano, viendo toda la acción de los amantes.
La mujer empieza su show… Gatea hasta la entrada de la habitación, orina y luego se acuesta
en la cama. Llega el amante y cual perro cazador, viene olfateando hasta llegar al pozo de orina, se agacha a olfatear y cuando lo hace, dobla ligeramente la cabeza hacia arriba y ¡SORPRESA! Allà ve al furioso marido trepado en la rama y opta por quedarse inmóvil.
Pasan los minutos y de repente dice la mujer:
Mi amor ¿qué pasó que no vienes?, ¡ya oriné!
A lo que el hombre contesta:
¿Ya orinaste?, bueno, pues ahora mira para arriba para que TE CAGUES!
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two thousand dollars and a substantial tax cut save you two dollars?
When you are out of Monet.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
Why of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: Where are you from?
Im from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds:
You dont say, Im from Ireland too! Lets have another round to
Ireland.
Of Course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from?
Dublin, comes the reply.
I cant believe it, says the first man. Im from Dublin too! Lets
have another drink to Dublin.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you
go to?
Saint Marys, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
This is unbelievable!, the first man says. I went to Saint Marys
and I graduated in 62, too!
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
Whats been going on?, he asks the bartender.
Nothing much, replies the bartender. The OMalley twins are drunk
again.
Is it in?
An ultra orthodox Jewish couple gets invited to a wedding, but are very puzzled by the invitation.
Joel, what does RSVP mean?
Frida, im not quite sure. i think it has to do with something about bringing beer.
no, thats byob.
oh, right. than i think its something about myob.
thats mind your own business, honey!
oh, right, its something about using too much viagra!
Frida didnt answer back, because that just didnt require an answer.
Frida thought long and hard over the next few weeks, and finally came up with the most ethical answer she could think of.
Joel! i finally found out what RSVP means! Remember! Supply Vedding Present.
King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that hed see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlins laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
This is no good, Merlin! the king exclaimed, Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect mlady, the Queen?
Ah, sire, just observe. said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
Merlin, you are a genius! said the greatful monarch, Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal short arm inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
Sir Galahad, exclaimed King Arthur, The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
Two rednecks decided they werent going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.
Whats Logic? the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater? I sure do. said the first redneck.
Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replied the professor.
Thats real good! said the redneck.
The professor continued, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.
Impressed, the redneck said, Amazin!
And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife, continued the professor.
Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously catching on.
Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor.
Youre absolutely right! exclaimed the redneck. Why thats the most fascinatin thing I ever heard! I caint wait to take that logic class!!
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.
So what classes are ya takin? asked the friend.
Math, History, and Logic! replied the first redneck.
What in tarnation is logic??? asked his friend.
Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? asked the first redneck.
No, his friend replied.
Youre QUEER, aint ya?