A guy took his girlfriend to her first Steelers game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.
What do you mean? he asked.
Well, everyone kept yelling Get the quarter back!
One day the Mexican maid announced to her bosss wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, I am in the family way.
The wife was both surprised and shocked, and asked who it was.
The maid replied, Your husband and your son.
This time, the wife was horrified and demanded an explanation.
Well, the maid explained, I go to the library to clean it and you husband say, You are in the way. I go to the living room to clean and you son say You are in my way. So Im in the family way and I quit.
How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he cant find himself?
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Una mujer mayor estando internada en un hospital tiene una experiencia extra corporal y se encuentra con Dios al que le pregunta:
¿Señor, he muerto acaso?
No, hija, vuelve a la tierra que te quedan treinta años más de vida.
La mujer despierta y piensa que aprovechando que ya estaba en un hospital, tenÃa dinero y muchos años por delante decide hacerse todo tipo de cirugÃas estéticas: lipoescultura, tratamiento de varices, se quita las manchas y las estrÃas con láser, se estira la cara, se opera senos, piernas, glúteos y todo lo demás hasta verse con al menos veinte años menos. Al salir del hospital, luciendo más joven, la atropella una ambulancia y ahora si que se muere. Cuando se vuelve a encontrar con Dios le reclama:
¿Qué pasó? ¿No dijiste que vivirÃa treinta años más?
¡SÃ, pero, te juro que no te reconocÃ!
The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?
10) This is a message from God: Rebooting the universe, please log off.
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 – OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
Q: What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?
A: Theyre both stuck up cunts!!
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guys window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.The man says, Sorry officer I cant do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that Ill have a really bad asthma attack.Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, Ill bleed to death.Well, then we need a urine sample.Im sorry officer I cant do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that Ill get really low blood sugar.Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.I cant do that, officer.Why not?Because Im too drunk to do that!
Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I dont brag to my buddies about my erections I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut and I dont go around readjusting my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind
Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind! Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing I dont have body hair like shag carpeting It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack
And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I wont tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. Theyll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobodys home.
9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
10. Size does matter.