Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregations range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original Jaws story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasnt covered by an HMO. 2. The Bibles way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who dont know the seating capacity of a pew.

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval

Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

#1: This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call?

A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.

When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said Are you okay?

The woman answered Ive been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in.

Linda didnt know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked.

When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head.

When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then when she regained consciousness, attempted to hold her brains in!

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I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
I will get dressed before noon.
I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
I will read a book… I think I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.
I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday

My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by.

My eyes couldnt help but follow her as she passed by our table.

The girlfriend glared at me and snapped, So, do you want to date her??

To which I stuttered, Ummmm…1968, perhaps?

How did the blonde try to kill the bird…she threw it off of a cliff.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves…she fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde die, drinking milk…the cow stepped on her.

How did the blonde burn her nose…bobbing for french fries.

Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month…the instructions stated, good for up to 20 pounds.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops…so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

Why do men like blonde jokes…it is one thing they can understand.

Why do blondes like lightning…they think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces…from eating with forks.

Why do blondes have more fun…they are easier to keep amused.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides…an interpreter.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer…frosted flakes.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head…a space invader.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case…branch manager.

What do you call a smart blonde…a golden retriever.

What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes…the back of her head.

What does a blonde owl say…what, what…

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies…10…one to mix the dough and nine to peel the M & Ms.

Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence…to see what is on the other side.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back…from crawling across the street when the sign said dont walk.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat…in case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet…so she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.

Why was blondes created…because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge…why were brunettes created…neither could the blondes.

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor…she thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months…because the box said from 2-4 years.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office…she wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives…the vegetable garden.

What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon … far – from – thinkin.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerois…oh look, donut seeds.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra…spot.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short…so brunettes can remember them.

Why cant blondes put in light bulbs…they keep breaking them with the hammer.

When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head…when you have a tire pump to re-inflate it.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her drivers license…because she got an F in sex.

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air…she missed.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear…data transfer.

What is gross ignorance…144 blondes.

What is the difference between a dead blonde and a skunk in the road…there are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb…the lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is eaiser to turn on.

What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have…one that never misses a period.

What is the blondes highest ambition in life…to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

What can save a dying blonde…hair transplants.

What are the six worst years in a blondes life…third grade.

What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common…you keep hearing about them, but never see any.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer…I dont know, there are some things even a blonde wont do.

Whats six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy…a hundred dollar bill.

How do you confuse a blonde…You dont. Theyre born that way.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries…if she had a checkbook.

How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde…there is a stamp on it.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook…she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

What is the difference between a blonde and bigfoot…bigfoot has been spotted.

What does a blonde make best for dinner…reservations.

What does a blonde and cow-pats have in common…they both get eaiser to pick-up with age.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on…its on, its off, its on…

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts…change.

What does a blonde say if you blow in her (or his) ear…thanks for the refill.

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair…last years hide and go seek winner.

What do you call a basement full of blondes…a whine cellar.

What do you call a blonde at the bottom of the pool…an air bubble.

What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel…an air bag.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes…a mental block.

What do you call 20 blondes standing ear to ear…a wind tunnel.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle…a dope ring.

What do you call a blonde in college…a visitor.

What is five miles long and has an IQ of forty…a blonde parade.

A blonde and brunette jumped off of a 20 story building. The brunette hit the pavement but not the blonde…she got lost.

Boyfriend said to his blonde girlfriend, I am going to go skeet shooting…but I dont know how to cook skeet.

Question to the blonde…why do you have an ice pack on your chest…to keep the milk fresh.

How do blonde brain cells die…alone.

How do you measure a blondes intelligence…stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.

How to you keep a blonde busy all day…put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you…run…shes got a hand grenade in her mouth.

How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle…shine a flashlight in her ears.

How do you kill a blonde…put spikes in her shoulder pads.

Why does a blonde wear shoulder pads…to keep from hurting her head as she rocks it back and forth and said I dunno.

How do blondes pierce their ears…they put tacks in their shoulder pads.

How do you drown a blonde…put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Why do blondes hate M & Ms…theyre to hard to peel.

How do you know when a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies…there are M&M shells all over the floor.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory…proof reading.

How do you keep a blonde in suspense…Ill tell you tomorrow.

How do you keep a blonde busy…write please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper.

Why cant the blonde make ice cubes…she lost the receipt.

Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed…she wanted to see what she looked like when she was sleeping.

How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek…one.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone…divorced.

Why couldnt the blonde write the number eleven…she didnt know which 1 came first.

How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde….the smart blondes have dark roots.

Why dont blondes eat pickles…because they get their heads stuck in the jar.

Why does the blonde wear underclothes…to keep her ankles warm.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory…she threw out all of the Ws.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday…tell her a joke on Friday.

What do you call a zit on a blondes butt…brain tumor.

Why dont blondes make kool-aid…cant fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain…gifted.

Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes…stands for toes g o in first.

How many blondes does it take to change a tire…5–2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.

How do you kill a blonde…put spikes in her shoulder pads.

How do you give a blonde a brain transplant…blow in her ear.

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common…theyre both empty from the neck up.

Why did the blonde cross the road…never mind that, whats she doing out of the bedroom?

What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear…thanks for the refill.

Whats the mating call of a brunette…Is that darn blonde gone yet?

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink…thats where you wash vegetables.

How do you get a blondes eyes to sparkle…shine a light in her ear.

Whats the advantage of being married to a blonde…you can park in handicapped zones.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you…pull the pin and throw it back.

Whats the mating call of a blonde…I think Im drunk.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex…opens the car door.

Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress…to keep her neck warm.

Why did the blonde have square boobs…she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall…to see what was on the other side.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common…the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb…6 – 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb…two…one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady.

The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went…it finally dawned on her.

How did the blonde commit suicide…she dyed by her own hand.

Brunette to the blonde…Awww, look at the dead birdie…the blonde stopped, looks up and says, where?

How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer…there is white-out all over the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer …theres writing on the white-out.

Why do blondes wear ear muffs?…to avoid the draft.

Whats the mating call of the blonde…Im soooo drunk

Whats the mating call of the ugly blonde…(screaming) Im drunk!

Whats the mating call of the brunette?…all the blonds have gone home.

What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears…trying to hold on to a thought.

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?…because it said concentrate.

Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet…she thought it was diet coke.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering…the noise gave her a headache.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips…from trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar…she heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why dont blondes have elevator jobs…they dont know the route.

Why does blondes have elevator jobs…they like going up and down.

Why do blondes work seven days a week…so you dont have to retrain them on Monday.

What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons…you can also sit upright in a car.

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?

He says No, why? You got someone lined up for me? You might say that. Why dont you take me to the prom?

Take you? You kidding? Youre my sister! Well, are you taking somebody else out?

You know I dont have a date, Sis. And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, dont we? Her brother nods. She continues, So we should go with each other.

The brother cant see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that hell take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while hes standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

Hey, brother, lets dance.

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? Im not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?

Dont be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why cant you dance with your sister?

Oh . . . all right.

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while its over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, Lets not go straight home.

He gives her a curious look and says, What are we going to do instead?

Oh, I dont know. Just drive around.

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says Want to find some place to park?

Hell, he says, are you crazy? Youre my sister, Im not going parking with you!

Who said anything about going parking? Lets just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? Its been a busy year for both of us– how long has it been since weve had a chance to talk to each other?

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

Hey . . . she says.

What?

Why dont you kiss me?

Youve been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? Im not going to kiss you, youre my sister! And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. I know Im your sister. Youve mentioned that a lot lately. And youre my brother. And dont we love each other? Why shouldnt we kiss if we feel like it? She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, Come on. Lets do it.

Do what, said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

You know what, his sister replied.

I cant do that with you, youre my. . . His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, You know, youre a lot lighter than Dad.

I know, said her brother. Mom told me.