Old and New Jokes

A degenerate disease.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four hundred and sixty-two:

twelve to investigate Clintons involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry,
sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,
thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs,
fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,
forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and
two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute.
For $200, Ill perform any act for you, she tells him, provided that
you can describe the act in 3 words.

The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman
$200. OK, tell me what you want me to do but remember, only in three
words, she tells him.

The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, Paint my house.

Joe Barone

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
A: Elephant banana sin theta in the mutually perpendicular direction.

An elderly Jewish man was admitted to the local hospital, which happened to be run by a Catholic order. All the nurses were nuns.

One of the nurses was preparing his records and she asked him who would be responsible for his bill.

I dont have any money, the old man told her.

Do you have any family?

I have one sister who changed her religion and became a nun, so shes an old maid.

Ill have you know that were not old maids, the nurse protested. Were married to Christ.

In that case, the old man replied, send the bill to my brother-in-law.

The Rabbi rose with a red face…Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan… I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.

The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.

The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.

The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.

The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.

The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.

The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-

6.

The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.

The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.

The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem, such as Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it looks up at you, thinks What are you doing ?, and walks off. But if you have a dog, its looking up at you and thinking Well, I dunno what youre doing, but I love you anyway.

Van a fusilar a Clinton, a Fidel y al Presidente de Tontilandia por ciertos fraudes y lo peor es que los van a fusilar en la mismísima Tontilandia. Empiezan por Clinton, y cuando ya está todo a punto, se pone a gritar:

¡Terremoto, un terremoto! ¡Corran por su vida!

Total, que todos los del peloton echan a correr y Clinton se escapa. Cuando le toca el turno a Fidel, se pone a gritar:

¡Un huracán! ¡Se acerca un huracán! ¡Todos a cubierto!

Y también se escapa. Entonces le toca el turno al Presidente de Tontilandia, todo el pelotón apuntándole, y entonces se pone a gritar con todas sus fuerza:

¡¡Fuego, fuego!!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.



Listen, says the doc, I have migraines, too and the advice Im going to give you isnt really anything I learned in medical school, but its advice that Ive gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.



Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! Ive had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!



Well, says the physician, Im glad I could help.



By the way, Doc, the patient adds, You have a REALLY nice house.