Old and New Jokes

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OLLADY RECTUM BOTH.

2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.

3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.

4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.

5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.

6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.

7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.

8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, ILL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.

9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN HOE LIVIN IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.

10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDNT FINE NO TRIPOLI.

12. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.

13. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.

14. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?

15. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.

16. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

A bloke who was well known for his anti Italian sentiments, was walking down the street one day with a mate, when they came across a busking act, an Italian with an organ grinding monkey. Our incipient racist stunned his friend by throwing a couple of bucks into the hat.

I thought you hated Italians? was the comment as the friend recovered.

Yeh, I do. But even Ill admit theyre cute when theyre little.

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds: Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?

Reportedly heard on the Financial News Network yesterday.

New issue bonds by the government just came out:

Dole BondNo interest
Clinton BondNo principal
Gingrich BondNo maturity
Forbes BondNo taxes (for qualifying investors)
Buchanon BondOnly Americans can collect (foreign investors welcome)
Heidi Fleiss BondGuaranteed high interest until withdrawal but substantial penalty for early withdrawal

You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

Your dog is your alarm clock.

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

Un matrimonio discutía acaloradamente, cuando la mujer empezó a gritar:

¡Si no fuera por mi dinero, este televisor no estaría aquí! ¡Y si no fuera por mi dinero, ese sillón donde estás sentado no estaría aquí!¡Ni la casa, ni el auto estarían aquí!

Y el hombre le respondió:

¡Ay mi amor, si no fuera por tu dinero, YO no estaría aquí!

En el circo, el presentador, con voz fuerte y emotiva, anuncia la principal atracción de la noche:

Señoras y señores, niños y niñas, a continuación y para cerrar nuestra función de esta noche presentamos… ¡Al Gran Bertinni!

Bajo los reflectores, aparece un hombre de complexión delgada y atlética, mientras el presentador continúa hablando:

El Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín colocado a una altura de 50 metros y caerá dentro de un barril de agua.

Dicho esto, el Gran Bertinni se lanza, da una voltereta en el aire y cae dentro del barril. Al instante, sale alzando los brazos en señal de victoria. El público, sorprendido, estalla en un sinfín de aplausos y ovaciones.

A continuación, el Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín a una altura de 75 metros y caerá dentro de un balde de agua.

Entonces, el Gran Bertinni se lanza, da dos volteretas en el aire y cae dentro del balde. Inmediatamente sale alzando los brazos en señal de victoria. Otra vez, el público, pasmado, estalla en un mar de aplausos y ovaciones.

A continuación, el Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín a una altura de 100 metros y caerá sobre una toalla mojada.

El público grita entusiasmado. Bertinni sube parsimoniosamente la interminable escalera. Al llegar al final del trampolín brinca y da tres volteretas en el aire… ¡Plaf! Un sonido fuerte y seco enmudeció el circo. De inmediato, Bertinni se levanta, todo magullado y lleno de sangre, reclamando:

¿Quién #&%*@ fue el que secó la toalla?

Un importante funcionario de una entidad financiera local, llama por teléfono a su casa:

¿Aló, mi reina? ¿Cómo estás, mi amor? ¿Bien? Qué bueno, y dime ¿los niños están bien? Perfecto ¿Almorzaron todo?… ¿Sí?… ¡Qué gusto! Dime, chiquita ¿qué cocinaste hoy?… Uyyyy ¡Ravioles!… Mi plato preferido, mi cielo. Por eso te adoro, y dime, ¿todo tranquilo por casa?…. ¿sí? Oye, ¿me prometes que hoy en la noche te pondrás ese babydoll negro, ese que es totalmente transparente?… ¿Sí?… Gracias cosita, por eso te amo tanto… Al ratito te veo ¿sí, mi amor? Ahora… comunícame con la señora, ¿sí?

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.



Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.



What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.



The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.



The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for anice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.



And the third envelope? asked her friends.

The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.



Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…

So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.