Una pareja acababa de descubrir el 69 y aunque ella andaba en sus dÃas, a él no le importó. Cuando estaban más entrados que nunca, tocan a la puerta y baja el hombre corriendo. Era su compadre, que con asombro le pregunta:
Compadre, ¿por qué trae sangre en la boca?
Es que me golpeé los labios con una taza.
¡Yo creo que con la taza del baño… porque trae caca en la frente!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, Mom, look at this, and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, Mommy is gonna eat your fingers! pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.
I said, Whats wrong honey?
Sad and broken up she looked at me and said –
Mommy, wheres my booger?
On the television show The Simpsons Bart can occasionally be seen writing on the blackboard as punishment, a sentence hundreds of times. The sentences change all the time. Since Bart is a rather naughty ten year old boy (sort of like Johnny in the Little Johnny Jokes), the sentences take on a life of their own.
Simpsons Chalk Board Writings
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless Im sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr.
Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell shes dead at roll call.
The principals toupee is not a frisbee.
I will not call the principal spud head.
Goldfish dont bounce.
Mud is not one of the four foodgroups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes bart a dull boy.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by the one armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The pledge of allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not waste chalk.
I will never win an Emmy.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
The horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Clean Sheets
3. Bare Belly
4. Thighs
5. Silk Panties
6. Big Johnson
7. Conscience
8. Heavy Bosom
9. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry
At the post: Aaaaaand theyre off !!! Conscience is left behind at
the post. Jockey Shorts and Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is
being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big
Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the halfway mark: Its Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and
Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against
Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At the stretch: Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is
making the final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.
At the finish: Its Big Johnson giving everything hes got !!!…and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer !!! It
looks like a dead heat but BIG JOHNSON squirts through and wins by a
head!!!
WHOHHH!! Heavy Bosom weakens, and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had
a chance…………
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out Perhaps you should hear how all his came about… I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didnt suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, Is there anything else your wife doesnt use anymore?
Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:
Zelda, youve always been by my side
When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side
When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side
When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side
When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side
And now when Im dying; you are at my side…………
Zelda, youre a fucking jinx!!
Relayed-From: diamond@jit533.swstokyo.dec.com (Norman Diamond)
In article <…> brent@uwovax.uwo.ca (Brent Sterner) writes:
So the next time someone tells you your cheque (Canadianism) is in the mail,
you just might think about believing it.
The spelling of cheque is an Englishism. The fact that its been in the
mail for the last 8 years and hasnt arrived yet, thats a Canadianism.
Seen in the want ads:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.
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