Old and New Jokes

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, I cant find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think its due to drinking.

In that case, said the patient, Ill come back when youre sober

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home.



The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.

Ill hide you away on my ship on one condition.

You have to have sex with me when I ask.



She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her hell bring her food and water and shell just have to stay hidden because shell be in big trouble if shes caught.



So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.



Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells STOWAWAY!



Scared she explains: Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!



No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said Its Al Gore. Hes up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.

Donations! I said, How much you got so far?

He said about ten gallons.

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Dont worry about it. Youll pass eventually.

Liz: Im the examiner!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta save space, twenty times while twitching violently.

Cool music.

Q: Whats the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?

A: Theres skid marks in front of the deer!

Ill swallow it all … I love the taste.
Are you sure youve had enough to drink?
Im bored. Lets shave my pussy?
Shouldnt you be down at the bar with your buddies?
That was a great fart! Please do another one?
Ive decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Youre so sexy when youre hung over.
Id rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
Lets subscribe to Hustler?
Say, lets go down to the mall so you can check out womens asses?
Ill be out painting the house.
I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday too.
Honey … our new neighbors daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
No, No Ill take the car and have the oil changed.
Your mother is way better than mine.
Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentines Day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
I fully understand … our anniversary comes every year for Christs sake, you go hunting with the guys, its a wonderful stress reliever.
Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my friend Diana over for a threesome?
Not the fucking mall again. Come on lets go to that new strip joint?
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why dont you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
God … if I dont get to blow you soon, I swear Im gonna bust!
I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! … the wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husbands turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his hearts desire.

He paused for a moment, then said, Well, honestly, Id like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! … he was 90 years old.

Q: Why are there so few Irish lawyers?

A: The majority of them cant pass the bar!