Old and New Jokes

A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter I think I will have the turtle soup. The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter Hold the turtle, make it pea

Theres this white ecologist working with an African tribe, and one day the tribe elder comes to him and says, My wife just had just a baby, and its white. Youre the only white man within hundreds of miles of here.

The ecologist gulps and says, Well, some things in nature just cant be explained. Look at that herd of goats, for example. All of them are white except for that one black goat. This is probably like that.

Finally, the Tribe elder nods and says, Well, all right, Ill keep quiet about my white baby, if youll keep quiet about that black goat.

God created the mule, and told him, You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.

The mule answered, To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.

The dog responded, Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.

The monkey responded, Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.

The man responded, Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so …

There was once 3 indians and a chief. the chief told the indians to go hunting a couple minutes later the first indian comes back with a deer. The chief said, how did you get that deer?. The indian said, Me see track me follow track me shoot deer. Then the 2nd indian comes back with a bear. the chief asked him how he got the bear. the indian said, Me see track me follow track me shoot bear. A couple hours later the third indian comes back all bruised up and bleeding. The chief asked, What happened to you? The indian said me see track me follow track me get hit by a train.

Youre so ugly your mom couldnt tell if it was you or Freddy Krueger at the door.

Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. – Claude Shouse

A blonde walked up to a man and said, “Give me your wallet.” The man said, “Okay, but give me the gun.”The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet. The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.The blonde said, “Youre an idiot — theres no bullets in the gun.” The man replied, “Youre the idiot — theres no money in the wallet.”

Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a saloon. He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting, Run for your lives! Big Mikes comin! The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door. Suddenly, the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull. Grabbing the drifter by the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, Gimme a drink! The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. Can I, ah, get you another, sir? the drifter stammered. Naw, I gotta git, the man grunted. Big Mikes comin.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one! Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!

This was heard on a local radio station:

We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs
or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.

10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.

10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

And the other 80% preferred whats in-between.