This comes from Herve Negres Dictionnaire des histoires droles, Livre de Poche.
This guy and this gal had just finished making love. He whispered in her ear, Tell me, am I the first?
Of course you are, my darling, she answered, but why do all you men have the same question?
the police searched michael jacksons house they found class a drugs in the lounge, class b drugs in the kitchen and class 5c in the bedroom!
He went to the post office to pick up a job application. He got in line at about 2:50 PM. By the time he got to the counter it was 3:05. He asked the clerk for a job application. She told him the employment office was only open from 1:00 to 3:00.
He told her he had been in line since before 3:00 and he only wanted to pick up an application. She repeated through gritted teeth that the employment office was only open from 1:00 to 3:00.
He told her, Listen all I want is an application. I dont care if you hire me or not. Id like an application and by law you have to give one to me.
She glared at him, went in the back room, came back with the application and threw it across the counter at him. As he picked it up and was leaving, he said to her, No wonder you guys shoot each other.
How can you tell the car of the Southern Jewish cousin in a synagogue parking lot during a NY Bar Mitzvah?
Its the Cadillac with the gun rack.
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange for some real money (USD), so I went to the money exchange window at the local bank. It was a short line, with just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
In a thick accent, he asked the teller, Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen – today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?
The teller says, Fluctuations.
The Asian guy says, Fluc you Americans too!
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Whats the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means Stop, wrong hole.
Q: Why dont blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: Why dont blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: Whats the mating call of the blonde?
A: Im *sooo* drunk!
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) I said: Im drunk!
Q: Whats the mating call of the brunette?
A: All the blondes have gone home!
Q: Whats a brunettes mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: Whats the mating call of the redhead?
A: Next!
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that wont give in?
A: Have another beer.
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything theyll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isnt able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long?
The first guy says, No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cathy!
Cathyl who?
Cathy the the doorbell, its too dark out here!
ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance
BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginners Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion
C: Crud
C: Confusing
COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics
FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses
PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.
I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so hes going to live with us just like one of the family.
Hell eat at the same table with us. Hell even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.
But what about the smell? the friend asked.
Oh, hell just have to get used to it, the same way I did.